Script:
I've never met a human I did not like because humans are delicious. I use their bones to pick my teeth.
Script:
Whoa. Give me a second, okay? I need a moment to take this in. It's not every day you find out your own children or time-traveling wizard warriors battling to save the world from a dark, intergalactic villain trying to enslave all of humanity for the rest of eternity. That's a lot to process. Honey? Cats? Oh, no. Where is everybody? How are we going to tell your mom? Hello? You know how she gets. Can someone please help me bring in the groceries? Don't worry. I'll take care of it. You're so lucky you told me first. The cool parent. Sweetie? Um, honey?
Script:
Oh, come on. Oh, dang it! What in the name of Hank Williams Jr. is your problem, lady? Why are you driving like a NASCAR driver who thinks it's still got the starter flank? Oh, dang it!
Script:
Hello, this is Paul. Thank you for calling the Butterball Turkey Hotline. How can I help you? Hey Paul! This is Cassie from Tampa, Florida. So, um, well, what happened was I left the turkey out, you know, to like thaw. I put it out on the patio and like I'm just wondering, um, do you know how to get an alligator out of your swimming pool? Oh sure, no problem. You'd be surprised how many times that happens. I'm pretty sure Jerry and Bob at the Hillsborough County Animal Control will be happy to help you. Oh, let me see if I still remember that number here. Here we go, 813-GO-GATOR. These guys are the best. Plus, the tryptophan makes for a sleepy gator, so that helps.
Script:
And now it's time for another Christmas Cole-fessional. As an elf, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but what parents don't realize is that even though they might get presents, some are still on the naughty list. It's just, well, more subtle. For instance, if your kid gets a toy fire truck that's stuck on full fire alarm volume, naughty list. Or maybe you get a vacuum cleaner, except if it's a robot. Those over there are super nice. I'm talking about an upright, bagless even. If you get one of those, someone thinks you must really suck. Grill, lawnmower, snowblower, power drill, anything that makes you work? Hate to break it to you, but it's because you've been a big, fat jerk.
Script:
I Knew this day would come Sit it is time to tell you the truth of your birth To share the secrets. We have tried so hard to protect you from You are the last of a line of great warriors who fought against the darkness that has over Taken the kingdom. It is your destiny and your birthright You must take up your sword and defend us from the darkness once again without you There is no hope for our survival
Script:
Station destruction imminent. I suggest taking a life pod to the planet below immediately. Farewell, Captain. Destruction in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
