khristian Lee | Professional Voice Actor for Commercial & Promo

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Alright, it's almost summertime and that neighborhood pool is beckoning you to come plunge inside as deep as you can go But that means you need to get that body looking healthy and tight by putting something organic right in your mouth You open your fridge and check out the vegetable selection that you have at your disposal and it dawns on you Just having one of them will not do today. I feel like you're rushing through this Can you slow it up now that you're talking about carrots and stuff? Okay You need to be double-teamed by both kale and quinoa You don't even know what quinoa actually is It reminds you of the name of a shirtless boy toy in the Bahamas who took you on a jet ski ride when you were on vacation But not knowing what something is has never stopped you from jumping on it and having the ride of your life You Put both of them in a bowl and now all you can think about is getting your salad tossed With some feta cheese and one of your all-time favorite things to have in your mouth nuts You love nuts of all kind. You can't get enough nuts in your salad. And today you're all about pine nuts As much as you love nuts though having all of the nuts in the world isn't enough protein for this vegetable orgy So you need some meat in it, too In fact, you just don't want the meat you need the meat and today the selection is chicken And this chicken is free range like an exhibitionist just like your inhibitions You would never want to put meat in your mouth that hasn't been around a little bit and has some dirty little secrets to tell Your heart is racing, but that's okay because you have good cholesterol levels Say that sentence just a little bit slower and a little bit more seductively. I think you can make good cholesterol sexy Your heart is racing, but that's okay because you have good cholesterol levels from eating clean, you know Forever Spoiler it's setting up the next joke But as clean as you're eating your mind is filthy and your mouth Salivates as you look at the cherry tomatoes in that salad bowl You can't wait for those luscious smooth red balls to explode right inside your mouth The kale is laying there shiny Moist and ready to be drizzled ever so lightly with a lemon vinaigrette dressing that you can lick off gently with your tongue You can get the dressing bottle and at the last minute you decide that you want it soaking wet with dressing You've never been afraid of having it too sloppy with all of these juicy vegetables inside the salad You know that this is going to be messy and the odds are you're going to get it all over your face But worrying about the juice is oozing down your chin as something salad virgins worry The time is Salad virgin Clearly, that's who virgin oil was made for Clearly the time has come It is time to stop playing around and teasing this salad laying in front of you waiting for you to fork it In fact, you plan on giving this salad as hardcore of a forking that it will ever ever forget Cassie did that do it for you? I'm gonna go ahead and say yes. I don't know why but I am craving some kale right now So I guess it worked wasn't an easy assignment dude. Yeah, it was not very difficult I think he did a pretty good job of making good cholesterol You know in your heart rate sound nice. You made yourself. It's best of a really bad situation It's like trying to make placenta sound sexy, and you just can't do it We could have done with that Totally done without

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It's almost summertime, it's hot and sweaty, and you're quite moist. You're feeling like shaking up the norm for yourself and taking a cheat day trip down south of the border to put something Mexican right in your mouth. Now the only question staring you down like a hot shirtless Mexican gunfighter about to whip out a long pistol out of his pants, and don't worry, he's got a magnum. Is which combination of cheese, beans, and tortillas, and most importantly, meat, do you want inside you? That is the simple beauty. I don't think you're feeling the words, man, slow it down. Alright. You know what, will you lower the lights a little bit, get a bit sexy, it's Kristen's fault. She rattled him with all this wife talk. I know. Oh my god. It's your fault. Come on, do that pull the pistol out of the pants again. Alright, let me do that. Now the only question staring you down like a hot shirtless Mexican gunfighter about to whip out a long pistol out of his pants, and don't worry, he's got a magnum. Is which combination of cheese, beans, tortillas, and most importantly, meat, do you want inside you? That's bad. Alright, there we go. Now you're getting there. Now I get slow and steady. Thank you, Brian, for lighting that candle. That is the simple beauty of Mexican food. In every dish, the ingredients stay the same, but the role playing that they engage in is very different. Some people might want to go with something simple, like good old fashioned missionary style tacos, but for you, safe is not how you plan to live when it comes to putting your face in some hot Mexican beef. You want it sloppy, like a Joe. You pretty much want a Mexican food orgy in front of you that you can't get your hands dirty and which means you need to get a gooey pile of nachos. Did you say a sexy Mexican food orgy? Yes, I did. Something like that. Yes, a Mexican food orgy. Can you picture all the ingredients just like orgying it up? Yeah. Letting it wash over me. As a guy that used to work at Taco Bell, I feel this. And don't forget about that shirtless Mexican gunfighter. With the long pistol. Yeah, that's right. First you start by laying down a solid bed of tortilla chips. You need them to be hard and strong. Hard enough to deliver each nacho money shot into your mouth. And you also need them to stay hard while the refried beans on top attempt to penetrate them, leaving them soggy. Nothing ends a Mexican food fiesta faster than a limp chip. True, that is true. Happens to every chip from time to time. Roger that. On top of the chips and refried beans, you have a thick layer of cheese. You want this cheese to be so thick and stringy that you have it dangling off of your chin after each bite. The next layer is the one that you don't just want, you need. It's the meat. And you have options here, ground beef, chicken breast, steak tips, are all typical options. But those are not tender enough for you. You want to put your tongue on some loins. So you go with the pork. Of course you do. Of course you pork it. Gracing the top of the nacho pile is the most famous topping three-way in history. Sour cream, salsa, guacamole. In fact, guacamole is so good that you hope if Donald Trump builds a wall that its main priority is keeping Mexicans in the country because their food is so damn good. Yeah, damn right, I slipped a little politics in there right now. You look at every nacho mound masterpiece, actually you look at your nacho mound masterpiece, not your neighbor's. You can't wait to stick your fingers in it and dive in face first. Every bite as you go gets better than the last and you can't wait for your favorite part, which is scraping that last little bit of sauce and grease right off the plate and then sucking it off your finger. The middle one. The middle one. That's it. You don't have to tell us when you're done. Oh, okay. We can keep that music going. Cha-ching-y. Cha-ching-y. Sha-wa-booshy. Thank you for food porn this morning. No problem. Mexican food. Mexican food. Mexican food. Limp-chip problems.

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Hello Now you know what all right Cassie, it's brighter than you're used to Too bright, but there's nothing you can do to control the lighting and if they like to watch let them This is about you and Maria and salsa and queso and chips and you alone You slide into the uncomfortable booth the one where the back leans a little forward at the top And makes you feel like you are leaning forward It's a very astute observation Jeff writes these But is it right it is accurate every everyone am I right accurate? You put your arms on the plastic tablecloth as you study the menu and as you pull them off a slight Pulling at the skin it sort of hurts not in a good way, but in a dirty make you feel gross way Nowhere near food porn yet, and you'll just have to deal with this Maria comes over she carelessly drops on the table a bowl of salsa and some splashes on the table She wipes it off with a dirty rag Dirty can be sexy okay, you have to push that out of your mind as you pick up a hot chip This will be worth it. You dip into the salsa, and you put it in your mouth It's cool and spicy at the same time and the hot chip is salted perfectly You take a sip of your gallon sized coke and swallow Perfectly you take a sip of your gallon sized coke and swallow Maria's standing there waiting and if you notice that every food porn has the word swallow Cuz it's about food right Your chitter chatter is keeping me from case. Oh, sorry My bag has Maria's standing there waiting okay, so please you say with jalapenos make it hot Maria disappears into the back while she's gone somehow you managed to eat the entire bowl of chips She returns with her case. Oh and gives you a knowing look because of the missing chips. You're not the only bad girl You know she's thinking she drops the case. Oh and like Magic a young man named Jesus shows up with replacement chips You ask him. What's the best thing on the menu? He doesn't understand you'll have to wait on Maria who is busy delivering 24 plates 24 plates at one time To another table and it takes her a while to come back Actually So true that and it takes her a while to come back and you decide while she's gone to sneak away You slip out after throwing a few dollars on the table as you disappear into the cold night You think that was a muy bien Mexican quickie very muy bien I totally disagree. Will you read the part about swallowing? Where is it? Hold on? I gotta figure that out. What was it that he was swallowing that gallon of coke? Thank You Christian Appreciate you coming in our traffic dude Chris now just in my defense oh, man, and thank you Christian for doing a great job with that, but in my defense Cassie requested a Mexican Mexican restaurant experience when you really break it down There's nothing sexy in a Mexican restaurant. The lights are always too bright. That's right And they're the fluorescent crappy dressing-room ones that make you look I usually have margarita goggles on Bird show

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It's finally springtime, the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and you think to yourself it's time to cheat. Hey, you've been faithful to the boring diet you've been married to all winter long. You need to spice up your life a little and put something new and exciting right in your mouth. It's baseball season, so you know what that means. It's all about hot guys and tight pants on the field and stuffing yourself with wieners. Wieners of all kinds, from German sausages with girth to long and thin American franks. Don't worry, you've got options. One thing is painfully clear though, when it comes to wieners, size definitely matters. Yeah it does. Sorry, was that out loud? She said that so like, yes. Your mic is on. Everybody in their car agreed with you. In the past, you've gone with six inch sausages, but today you're cheating, so you're gonna take all 12. You look at the titillating options in front of you and there it is, the sausage sundae. It emerges from the concessions menu and turns on your boiling pot like a greased up Zac Efron emerging from the ocean. Wait, I want that analogy to wash over me. Okay, I'll do it again. Actually, this reference was solely for you, Kristen. Do it again, do it again. Okay, all right, here we go. It turns on your boiling pot like a greased up Zac Efron emerging from the ocean and he might be holding a puppy. You are welcome. Thank you. Just got weird. You did a little bit. With its combination of over a foot of smoked sausage and pulled pork, sopping wet with barbecue sauce, it's way more meat than you need, but never ever more meat than you want. The sausage sundae is staring you down seductively, daring you to try to open your mouth wide enough to take on all of it. You are overcome with excitement and all you can think about is popping that cherry tomato perched on top of it like a cheat day flag of conquest into your salivating mouth. Oh man. Is that too heavy? Sorry to sweat. You step back and take a moment to appreciate the sausage sundae in all of its glory. It's so much meat. Some say it's too much, but not you. You spent a spring break in Germany back in college. I love the backstory. It's all about details, guys, details. It's about the details. So you know how to navigate a sausage like a champ. You're going to have to use both hands and fork this wiener into average size pieces so you can choke them down safely. Gagging on sausage is for rookies. Next, there he is. Next, you take your fork and dip it into the soft, creamy mashed potatoes, but just the tip because you need to leave room on it for the pulled pork and the mac and cheese, which is all sitting nestled on a plate in between the two succulent smoked sausage shafts. Let me say that again. Smoked sausage shafts. Wow. Whoever our new writer is, we're not paying him enough. Your lip quivers lustfully as the gooey flavor threesome makes its way onto your tongue. Oops. You tried to force too much inside during one forking. You have mac and cheese all over your face. Hey. Hey, guys. Nobody said cheat days weren't messy. Wow. So Cassie spent a spring break in Germany. What did that sound like? I was about to ask you. A lot of navigating the sausages. She spent a spring break in Germany. What did that sound like? Navigating the sausage? Oh, wait. I didn't even get it. God bless America. His head's still spinning. I'm all stressed out. You had me writing about sausage for nine minutes for God's sake. You're the one that said pork shaft. I did say that. Again, what was that spring break in Germany, Lange? Cassie spent a lot of summer times in Germany. Navigating the sausages. Putting them in your mouth, Cassie. Bite down on the bratwurst. Okay, you're done. What'd you say? You're done. You're done. The Bird Show.

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Mmm, that was that was Christian. We've all pitched in for the Christian needs a real towel fund. Oh, yeah I do because you guys apparently a little too broke in that house of yours Afford a real towel and that's why you took the towel picture and a little dish towel That's really hard to dry off completely with one of those things. He just gets to dab the whole body exactly Yes, we all put pictures of us in towels up online at the bird show comm some of those pictures have gotten more response than others Christian decided to go the dish towel route with barely covering his parts, I mean and he clearly goes to the gym every single day and I'm wondering how your wife has been responding to the responses to your picture She thinks it's funny and I didn't look at all the responses, but when I get home she has She tells me and the good news is she's how pregnant now It's One month. She has a month left. So a month. Yeah, so I don't know they say was nine months ten months I don't I don't know that so his hormonal pregnant wife is at home every day reading these These very almost creepy like posts to her husband. She's the one who took the picture. Yeah Yeah, I mean, I guess she's proud and she thinks it's funny I mean she she was like I said reading the responses off to me and Flattered you might send him into a spiral. So just be careful. I'd like that kind of funny in my life Yeah, one lady need to step away from her computer. I should go All those pictures are up online right now at the bird show dot-com. All right, what are we focusing on today? Is it strictly barbecue? It's just just a barbecue experience today. Oh, so it's not just all about the meat It's primarily about the meat Do a food porn about not involving meat when you're done with barbecues, there's a lot of meat. I don't know why But this is a little bit more awkward than usual post-hoc picture There's a few more tuning in now Now that they know what the voice matches the what it looks like the meat matches the voice Or vice versa, I imagine if your meat could talk it would sound very much like you do. Oh, yeah, very deep voice Barbecue season is upon us and that means that it's time to fire up that grill that's been staring at you longingly in the backyard like a mistress for the past eight months and Spit roast some succulent and juicy flank steaks on a long hard steel rod When it comes to this kind of meat that you want to slap on that grill The only real question is are you going bone-in or bone-out? Out of a fantasy Step away from the board step away from the buttons do not ruin this fancy for everybody I mean, I love your touching you Brian, but don't do that I just I just literally it's like a three-way didn't know you're like Are you going bone-in or are you going bone-out? Who are you kidding? This isn't your first time getting hot and sweaty in the pit. You want that bone in as far as it will go Stop interrupting the meat continue Christian. You aren't just going to rush into the grilling though You need to baste and marinate those cuts and jack hard those tenderloins The breaks okay guys settle down a jack hard is a type of meat tenderizer And it helps get the sauce deep inside the beef. So it's extra moist Oh While your meat is slow roasting you now lick your lips and focus on the side action So many great dishes to choose from it reminds you of choosing a dancing seductress in a window in Amsterdam Oh It reminds you of choosing a dancing seductress in a window one time when you were in Amsterdam Yeah, cuz I when I see my potato salad this weekend I think Amsterdam you don't see a macaroni just going like this to you just shaking it in a window Cha chingy Yes Today you choose baked beans and coleslaw to accompany that giant hunk of slow roasted beef. That's going right into your mouth You open the grill. You can't wait any longer for it You need to test the meat to see if it's ready for you to go at it. So you gently finger it You know the poke tests, yeah, you poke it you poke it in a few places and it's nice and soft and And ready to be filleted You can't feel your mouth. You start to salivate as you slowly slice the steak and spread the meat flaps back Gosh dang it. Stop it. The reason you do that is you want to see how pink it is. I Mean you like it raw You like it raw, but it's not too raw. So you take it all in as you think about diving into it face-first Management doesn't have time before we get out of here to call us into the office today It is medium-rare and ready to be completely devoured Your hand is trembling in anticipation as you start to arrange your plate with all your side dishes You put the beans on one side and the sloppy slaw on the other like a barbecue three-way Begging for you to hit it with a coat of hickory smoked barbecue sauce You open your mouth and put some of that steak into it But just the tip you sink your teeth in and close your eyes taking it all in all the tenderness as it drips down Your face you would wipe it off, but that is for barbecue rookies and you're proud of this juicy mess Some people like their barbecue. Well done. Not you though. You just want it done. Well, oh That's a wrap I got the vapors. Nobody is looking at each other in the eye Might have been the meat flap reference, but that is steak, you know, and you have to see if it's done. Well, I'm sure it's pink Uh-huh. All right. Here's your cold shower

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Okay, okay Prague You've never imagined yourself here yet here You are on a solo adventure through the city frog you've never imagined yourself. Yeah Yes, here. You are on a solo adventure through the city Your Nostrils perk up as something divine smacks you upside the face What is that heavenly scent and where is it coming from your nostrils pack up as something divine smacks you up side your face What is this heavenly scent fires that coming from? Oh man You stop dead in your tracks outside the good food coffee and bakery Is that a cone made of doughnut with chocolate and ice cream? You stop dead in your tracks outside the good food bakery. Is that a cone made of doughnut with chocolate? And the ice cream Dear lord, it's a doughnut ice cream cone and you can't wait to stuff it in your mouth Mmm doughnuts you think to yourself What would homer simpson do he'd eat the hell out of that cone is what he'd do Dear lord, that's a doughnut ice cream cone I want to stuff that in my mouth. Mmm doughnuts You think to yourself? What would homer simpson do? He did the hell out of that doughnut. That's what he would do As Your doughnut cone bubbles in the hot oil you bubble over with excitement. Is this really a thing? Someone needs to slap you upside your forehead with a giant prog pastrami Because it's just too good to be true. Wow. Okay. Let's let's buzz kill that one As your doughnut cone bubbles in the hot oil you bubble over with excitement Is that really a thing? Somebody needs to slap you upside your forehead with a giant prog pastrami Because it's too good to be true You sounded like you might have had a little bit of a german stroke there in the middle Sometimes things happen when you're in the middle of a food porn Your doughnut cone is cooked to perfection and now it's rolled in a cinnamony sugary goodness. So hot sticky sweet Your doughnut cone is cooked to perfection. Now. It's rolled in some cinnamony sugary goodness So hot sticky sweet That's right Chocolate is poured coating the inside and pooling at the bottom like a little reservoir of seduction Then comes the soft serve you normally don't like it soft. You prefer it hard. Oh boy real hard Kristen wrote this one. Yeah, but you can make an exception this time The chocolate is poured coating the inside and pooling at the bottom like a little reservoir of seduction Then comes the soft serve you usually don't like it soft you prefer it hard But uh, you make an exception this time Your body tenses your eyes bulge your lips part as the man gives it to you your body tenses your eyes Bulge your lips part as the man gives it to you You grab it and go right there in the middle of the crowded street with no abandonment You take all that soft serve because you can't wait to get at the doughnut cone You grab and go right there in the middle of the crowded streets with no abandonment You take all of the soft serve because you can't wait to get to that doughnut cone Your tongue whips back and forth feverishly must get to the cone Your tongue whips back and forth feverishly must get to the cone Finally you open wide and you go down you take the biggest bite of your life The doughnut cone is still slightly warm and you rub the cinnamon and the sugar crystals between your lips as you chew Finally you open wide you go down You take the biggest bite of your life the doughnut Cone still slightly warm You rub the cinnamon and sugar crystals between your lips as you chew You lick your lips clean of any remnants of your tawdry affair with the doughnut ice cream cone Lick your lips and clean them of any of the remnants of the tawdry affair of the doughnut ice cream cone Time to go back to your room You have to change because you accidentally creamed your shirt And wearing a shirt with an ice cream stain in prague simply won't do this is pretty creepy As I blame kristin for all of this Nonsense Time to go back to your room. You have to change your shirt because you accidentally Creamed all over the front of it And wearing a shirt with ice cream stain in prague simply won't do My favorite part of that was brian's face throughout the whole thing Really the dumbest show in america. You think good morning. Daniel. You were on the birch. Yeah Hey, thank you very much. I love y'all show Um brian, you just made my day. I've never heard of a german jar jar bean We'll get that from time to time won't we i'm a method actor So, you know, I don't know where i'm going with that thing when i'm doing it Your method should be never to try that again. The germans just the accent is angry Everything you say just sounds very angry. There should have been a safe word There should have been a safe word with brian. I think it was cream all over the front of the shirt, but the birch show

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hmm wait now it's your turn mmm translation spot on well you really do know Japanese that was perfect kanpeki da beautiful utsukushii it's your first trip to japan yet here you are standing in front of mcdonald's in tokyo it's your first trip to japan yet here you are standing in front of mcdonald's in tokyo omg i love this so much we're gonna be huge in tokyo when this is done yeah we are you have to say yeah we are everything of course you have a hankering for their fries so you must succumb to the pressure because i really want to eat fried potatoes which one of those words was hankering hankering really doesn't have so i just it was like doushitemo like you have to have it you're ruining the mood bro sorry sorry sorry we're not in class hankering should never ruin the mood never you walk into the mccafe and your mouth drops open mccafe no naka ni tomatte bikkuri suru sorry i thought you were done oh sorry we got two languages overlapping mcchoco potatoes mcchoco fried potato mcdonald's french fries smothered in chocolate sauce dear lord yes mcdonald's french fries smothered in chocolate sauce dear lord yes mcdonald's french fries smothered in chocolate sauce god thank you god thank you you immediately order the mcchoco with both milk and white chocolate because you don't discriminate mcchoco tanonde kurai kuro to shiro no choco sosu wo tanomu suki karai wa nai kara suki karai wa nai kara the piping hot fries get squirted and you scream more squirt more squirt more atsui furaidu potetoka atsui furaidu potetoka bukkakerarete sakebidasu motto kure your fries are drenched and so are you anata no furaidu poteto wa nureteru anata mo nureru you sit down and are about to devour your mcchoco when ronald sits down in front of you suwatte mcchoco furaidu poteto taberu mae ni ronald ga man mae ni suwaru ronald smiles coyly at you he wants to be your first ronald ga mitsumete nikkori warai nagara anata no hajimete ni naritai who knows what he's really saying he could be calling us a bunch of total ass ass ronald picks up a limp one and you shake your head you like it hard ronald ga karui no wo mochiagete demo anata wa atama wo furu anata wa katai no ga suki dakara the next one is long and firm and coated from top to bottom sugi no wa nagakute katai uekara shita made chokoreto ga kakatteru ron you was getting into it now you found it you found your sexy groove man ronald slowly moves it towards your face you close your eyes and open your mouth wide ronald ga yukkuri kao no mae made motte kuru me wo shimete kuchi wo akeru you feel it touch the tip of your tongue and you press your lips shut kuchi wo akete shita no ue ni tomatte kanjiru kara kuchi wo shimeru the salt and sweet grinds together on your tongue it's like a nasty cabin stabbing scene out of dirty dancing let's give him a second to regurgitate that okay cabin stabbing shio karai amai no ga shita no ue de tomaru sore de cabin stabbing dirty dancing mitai ni you open your eyes sexy ronald lean in me wo akete ronald ga manmai ni tsuttatteru he bites the other end of the fry kare ga furaido poteto wo kamu you both start to eat your way to the middle who will stop first futari tomo tabedasu mannaka ni mukau tochuu de dare ga saisho ni tomaru no ka your lips get closer and closer and closer kuchibiru ga dondon chikazuite kuru chikazuite kuru chikazuite kuru before you know it your tongues are entangled nani ga okotte iru no ka wakaru mae ni shita ga karamaru you're loving it aishiteru cabin stabbing say it again what did you use for cabin stabbing you have to say it with that asian accent cabin stabbing you were awesome i was trying i was a little nervous you did a great job thank you so so much ronald is probably looking to hire you tomorrow yes thanks a lot for coming in i'd love to grill some fries i would love to have some mcchoco fries with you let's do it separate orders perhaps i don't think i want to have that ronald scene with you thanks for coming in, appreciate it thank you

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I want you to picture this, the weather is perfect, a slight breeze, no humidity, not too warm, not too cool. You grab a blanket off the back of the couch and head outside. In a quick motion, you snap it to full size, then slowly lower it to the ground. You climb on top of it, stretching yourself out to take up the whole thing. The ground is soft, but uneven. Some rocks are pushing through the blanket, and for that reason, it's not as comfortable as it could be. You remember what Gray told you last night. Sometimes it has to hurt to really be enjoyed. You close your eyes and start to remember, and then you're here his car, in the driveway, and footsteps on the path. It's as though you are connected. You imagine your most passionate moments, and then he appears. He's standing over you in the yard, on the blanket. You feel his presence, hear his breath, and that faint smell almost getting lost in the breeze. It's familiar. It's unexpected, so you aren't sure. You open your eyes to see if it's true, and as you focus, you realize this evening will be hotter than you ever expected. Gray brought home KFC. You take the bag from his hands, and he goes inside for plates, napkins, and drinks. You could have gone to help him, but you wanted to be alone with the red and white bucket of hot, steamy poultry. You get up on your knees, and you open the bag. The chicken comes out first, hot, extra crispy, and almost begging to be put in your mouth. You know you can't sneak a bite without crumbs falling everywhere, so you set it aside, imagining just briefly how it will first feel crunchy, and then soft and wet. Savory juices covering your tongue in a way only Colonel Sanders knows how to do. You look to the door, and Gray is nowhere to be seen. He'd be very mad if he knew what you were thinking. You set down the bucket and find the mashed potatoes, soft, creamy pillows of perfectly whipped potatoes covered in a thick, rich gravy that nobody can resist. Christian, just do me a favor, say potatoes for him. Mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes. Say gravy. Gravy. Say thick gravy. Thick gravy. Okay! So good. While looking at the gravy, and at the door, make sure you're not spotted. You fish around in the bag for a spork. Nothing. This doesn't get any sexier than a spork. Never. Spork. But that isn't going to stop you. You peel back the plastic lid and scrape a finger along the edge of the container. You burn yourself a bit from the steaming gravy, and quickly bring your finger to your mouth to capture the taste and to soothe your wound. It's hot. Nothing truly great happens without some anguish. And a spork. You remind yourself. Gray would be disappointed you tasted the Colonel without him. But he'd be proud at the self-inflicted pain. You think about going in again, but decide against it. You start to lie back down and realize there's something else in the bag. Could the night possibly get any hotter? As you reach in and wrap your fingers around the warm container, he suddenly appears, walking quickly from the door to you. Started without me, I see, he says, as he uses one finger to clean a drop of gravy off your breast. You wonder how this could have been so sloppy, so careless. You know this means you'll have to be punished. Gray puts his hand in the bag and slides it under yours. In one swift move, he takes the container from you. He leans in, and you feel his breath on your neck, then the words in your ear. Macaroni and cheese. He whispers, and you've been bad, you'll need to earn it. Your breath quickens, of course, you're scared. But with Gray and Colonel Sanders both there, you feel safe. You want to earn it. You sit back down, grab a drumstick, and realize chicken will never be the same. You will never be the same. This night has just begun. This show will never be the same after that. Nope. A threesome with Christian Gray and Colonel Sanders. You can't get better than that right there. There's no better than that. Christian and food porn. Thank you, sir. Thanks. For the record, I would never waste gravy and let it drip all over me. That's going in my mouth. That's why it goes under fiction. Okay. Red room of KFC. I can't believe that just happened.

Script:
Tonight, or today, is going to be Waffle House. YES! Smothered, covered, chunked in cat, baby! Bring it! Alright Cassie, I want you to close your eyes and imagine this. It's late. Real late. You're a little buzzed from a night of wine at the bar. With a few shots of Fireball Whiskey in between. And all you want is me. And now, I'm right in front of you. Every Waffle House night is a good night. You walk in, you sit down, and your mouth starts watering. In just a few minutes, it will be in front of you. The most beautiful late night sight you want to see. Here comes the meat. No Bert. Stop. Tommy, can you turn his microphone off? No, I like when you do it because it breaks the tension. Brings me back to reality. It's two pieces of thick, buttery Texas toast. You know what they say, everything's bigger in Texas. Between them, a hot fried egg, three slices of crispy, savory bacon. There's that meat. Bert! They're almost still sizzling. Covering them both, a slice of delicious, warm, melted cheese. You lift off the top piece of toast and slowly squeeze the perfect amount of mayo onto the bread. Look at Cassie's using her hands to do what he's describing. She's holding an imaginary piece of sandwich bread and she's squeezing the packet of mayonnaise on it. I want the full IMAX experience. You're getting it. We just turned this into 3D food porn. I'm like, what? You're tipsy enough to not care, so you spread the mayo all over the bread using your finger. Spread it, baby. Then you lick your finger clean. The tangy, creamy goodness on your tongue is a perfect tease for what's about to happen. On the plate next to the sandwich are the perfectly browned potatoes. They are just the way you like them. Scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked. Will you say chunked again? Yeah. Chunked. You have a gift, my friend. Seriously. You pour the ketchup next to them on the plate, anticipating the sweet goodness that's about to blend with the hot mixture of potato. Cheese, onions, and ham. And off to the side, on its own plate, a light, fluffy, golden brown, sweet, perfect waffle. This is Fifty Shades of Waffle Huff. You carefully spread the butter into the goodness, watching it melt into the pockets and the crannies. You have to get it in every pocket. Every cranny. Every cranny. Then you pour so much syrup on top, you watch the sweet, sticky nectar flow all over the waffle and onto the plate. Again, she's blushing. She's fanning herself. You grab your fork and use it to cut off a piece. It's too big. But you don't care. You bring the dripping forkful to your mouth and open wide. You're able to take the bite, but not without some syrup slipping out and spilling onto your shirt. This is Waffle House. You're buzzed. You use your finger to scrape the spill off your shirt, and you keep eating. This is the greatest late night experience you have ever had, and you hope it never ends. Oh, yeah. Yeah! Hashtag spent. Nice job, Christian. Christian, will you say chunked crannies? Chunked crannies. Hashtag napping. Hashtag smoking a cigarette. Elizabeth, what's going on? Oh, my God, that man can describe garbage and make me warm down there. I think he pretty much did. He just did. Have a good weekend, Cass. Oh, it's gonna be good now. The Berkshell.

Script:
Oh, yeah, that's Christian if Christians my prison guard, I'll take it Yeah, you will He's your warden, yeah What is the food that will be described to Cassie today that she cannot have on this diet? With the World Cup fever sweeping the nation in July 4th right around the corner Today, I'm going to tempt and tease you with a mouth mouth watering all-american treat It's gonna be hot. It's gonna be wet and it's gonna be messy But everyone knows that sometimes getting messy is good Real good Are you ready? Yes, do you want this chicken pot pie? This might be for both of us No Bert, this is not a threesome Go home and eat that chicken pot pie. We're just gonna get all-american pie on the chicken pot pie Minaj food twa But we're gonna be safe we need protection You grab the oven mitt and slip your hand inside the soft warm cushion With your free hand you open the oven and feel the warm air rush over your face It's so intense. It blinds you just for a second. You look away and slowly turn back This is some serious food foreplay. There. He is hot and ready Waiting and it's all for you You bring him out and set him on the counter Wisps of steam tease you with the smell of the chicken and the veggies swimming in gravy Just under the black brown flaky crust flaky crust Give it to her again say flaky crust again flaky crust a Cautious person would wait, but you like the risk. Let's not be cautious. You like the danger you like it to hurt sometimes You grab a fork from the drawer and gently flick off an edge of the crust It breaks away easily and you grab it with your fingers It's hotter than you expected, but you don't care you put it in your mouth. It stings, but it's a good sting With the fork you press down on the top of the pie first Gently then with a little more force the crust breaks and the hot gravy bubbles out you poke around in the pie Mixing all that say that you say that again slower You poke around in the pie Thank you Mixing all the deliciousness into a steaming messy soup of perfection You pierce a piece of chicken and a chunk of potato and stir it around to make sure they are soaked in gravy You capture a tiny bit of carrot as well The anticipation is amazing the way the soft texture and delicious flavors will come together Right in your mouth The way the heat will torture you just a little bit You bring the fork to your mouth and it's exactly as you thought it would be So hot you have to hold your mouth open just for a second. So it's tolerable. Cassie's doing it right now That motion with the mic in front of you Very very different than what we're looking for. I'm just really into it. Okay, it's exactly what you want Then you bite your lip for a second to distract you from the hurt You bite down on the soft meat and veggies Gravy leaks out of the corner of your mouth and a bead of sweat forms on your forehead you exhale deeply Mm-hmm. It's everything you wanted and needed its perfection and you've only taken the first bite God bless America Oh Christian you outdid yourself this week, sir dying. Can someone pass me a cigarette? Thanks, I mean chicken pot pie who would have known

Script:
It's so hot, too hot to even breathe, no breeze, no air, way too hot to be outside. You're alone, so you decide to play. You walk in the house shedding clothes as you make your way to your pleasure room. The thoughts of what is about to happen is making you nervous and excited all at once. You're about to be bad, real bad. But if nobody is around to witness it, is it really cheating? Nobody will know but you. Besides, you earned this little indiscretion with that tough run this morning. Screw this diet, you say, to nobody in particular. By the time you get to the kitchen, you're almost naked. With a quick snap of your wrist, you shut the blinds and shed the bra. If you're going to do this, you're going to be comfortable. You reach under the counter and grab your favorite toy. The cool glass in your hand is already bringing relief. This is only the beginning of what's going to be an amazing solo session. You carefully place the Cuisinart Power Blend 500 on the counter and plug it in. You turn toward the fridge and open both doors at once. The cool air on your bare skin gives you goosebumps and it takes your breath away for just a second. You inhale, close your eyes and enjoy the coolness. On the left, you grab the ice cream. From the right, the milk. You set the ingredients on the counter and quickly grab everything else you need. A tall glass, a scoop, a spoon, a straw. From the far back of the pantry, where nobody else can find it, Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I don't even know what that noise was, what was that noise? Cassie, where did that come from? That was the same noise that Riggins makes if you drop a rawhide in the vicinity of your bulldog bird. Into the blender goes four big scoops of creamy, sweet, delicious vanilla ice cream. Over that, a splash of milk, enough so that this will just barely pass as a milkshake. Because you like it thick. Yes, she does. In your world, it can never be too thick. Tell her about it. You slowly squirt chocolate all over the ice cream and into the milk. Watching it catch on the sides of the glass, it ooze down into the mixture. Now it's time. You hold the cover down with one hand and put the other hand on your button. You press down. He did say button, right? Yes, he said button. I said button. The vibration pulses through the machine and through your whole body. In seconds, it's over. Through the glass, you see the spinning stop, then silence. Are you okay, Cassie? Is the Hershey's bottle talking to me now? It could be. Have we given her a safe word yet? I don't think so. She's holding on for dear life. She's okay. She's good. A perfect chocolate mixture waits to meet your mouth. You pick up the pitcher and pour the blend into a glass. It starts out slowly, then the whole thing just slides so fast. Before you know it, the glass is full. With a finger, you pick up the overflow and put it back into the glass. In goes the straw. You made this one perfectly, so it'll get clotted up pretty quickly, but that's no problem. You've never been afraid to suck hard. Come on now, really? You lean against the fridge and close your eyes. This is exactly what you needed. Boys in the yard, you don't need that. You have a milkshake. Yeah! That was beautiful. I like them thick and chocolatey. Even Tommy said, wow. I want a milkshake so bad right now. I'm pretty thirsty myself. Oh, wow. I give it a 10. Anna, good morning. You are part of the Burt Show. Hello. Hello. I'd just like to comment that I think Christian should do the audio version for Fifty Shades of Grey and just move on from food. Preach. Didn't we years ago play like the audio version and it was awful? I mean, really, really like so not sexy? Yeah. It was horrible. And I hear Christian with the food, I'm like, honey, your calling is that. And his name's already Christian. Yeah. I mean, come on. Exactly. So that works. And then we could have Christian and cast as Asia. Right? What a mixture. The Burt Show.

Script:
Cassie, it's the start of a long holiday weekend of great friends, refreshing drinks, and delicious foods. Thick, juicy hamburgers. Long, plump, roasted hot dogs, grilled to a hot perfection. She's literally grabbing her chest, and again, her face is flush. Juicy ribs with meat so tender it just falls right off the bone. Sauce so plentiful you can barely keep it in your mouth. I love sauce. I know you do. But today I'm going to ask you to think about the most refreshing of summertime treats. Because sometimes the most amazing experiences are often the most simple. Close your eyes and picture in front of you the most flawless ice cream sundae you have ever seen. Oh yeah. The bowl was chilled to keep this treat cool for as long as it takes you to eat it. Condensation building on the bowl like beads of sweat, anticipating what's about to happen. It's moist, baby. That's right. You can't use the word moist. You'd scoot up for everybody. Sorry. I love moist. Two big, perfect mounds of your favorite flavor are just barely peeking out from the chocolate sauce that's been carefully put all over the top. But it's starting to slowly run down the scoops and pool at the bottom of the bowl. Guaranteeing the last seconds of this experience will be as amazing as the first. Over the chocolate topping are the salty chopped nuts that will give this sundae the perfect balance of sweet and savory. He said nuts. Bert! You seriously are ruining it. Nuts. And on top of that, whipped cream. So much whipped cream that it's almost falling out of the bowl. Can I put it in my mouth yet? Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Perfect, puffy pillows of deliriousness. So light and soft that you can't wait. You go in. No spoon. With a finger. You scoop just a bit of whipped cream off the top and quickly bring it into your mouth. Before even a tiny bit can even escape. The sweetness on your tongue won't let your hand move away from your mouth until every bit of that perfection has been cleaned off. Can we make it colder in here? It's really hot. For people just tuning in, this is food porn. Food. Food porn. You finally slowly slide your finger out of your mouth, keeping your lips so tight you capture every drop of goodness. I'm uncomfortable. You're tempted to do it again because it was that good. People are starting to stare. So you reluctantly pick up your spoon and capture a perfect mix of ice cream, sauce, nuts, and whipped cream. He said nuts again. Bert! Bert! Nuts. You put it in your mouth and let it slowly melt all over your tongue. Your tongue. You close your eyes and just let it happen. When you swallow that first bite, you smile, knowing that in just a second, you can go back for more. Swallow, baby. The first ice cream sundae of the summer, and it will not be your last. Mmm, yeah. Yeah! Cassie! What? How you holding up? I'm good. She literally is red in the face. My mouth is literally watering. When you talked about the nuts. Yeah, it goes with her hair. Wait, when who talked about the nuts? Kristen. Oh. Not Bert. Not Bert? Sure. Hey Bert, why don't you just, why don't, why don't you, while you take this call, Kristen, just find the hottest line in there and pass it over to Bert. You know the one with the word moist? We call it, we call it food cold shower. Did he, I think he said moist. I didn't. Yeah. Moist is not in there. Ew. I went rogue. Hey Stephanie, good morning. You're on the Bert Show. Hi. Hi. Oh my gosh. I just started my diet Monday and that was amazing. That was for you. That was for you. That was for you. Thank you. Liana, good morning. You're on the Bert Show. Hi. Hi. I just want to comment on his voice. It's so awesome. You want to what? You're flustered. You're so flustered. His voice is so awesome. The ladies are beside themselves right now. Always. Always. Always. Good job, dude. Thank you. Very nice job, Kristen. Well done, sir. Look at Cassie. I like the color of my hair. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hi. Hello. I'm here. Thank you. Hi. I'm here. Thanks, Kristen. The Bert Show.

Script:
There's a little bit of chill in the air. Oh my god, I know what's coming! I'm so excited! And she's done. Oh yeah, you do. You pull up a chair, little closer to that campfire that's now right in front of you. The warmth coming off the burning logs wraps around your body like a familiar lover. With the heat tingling on different spots on your body, depending on how you shift. Your mouth starts to water with anticipation. But tonight, you're alone. This is going to be a special occasion and you want every single sense focused on the experience. The sounds of the crackling fire, the smell of the smoke, the way the fire lights the area and makes the shadows dance around. Okay, that's great. Come on. I want a post-mortem! Cassie! This is foreplay! This is food foreplay! Too much fore-food. Patience, my love. The heat against your skin and most importantly, the taste. The taste of chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker coming together in perfect harmony right in your mouth. You've been thinking about s'mores all summer. Which is true. And tonight, it's gonna happen. Sexy s'more day on the Bird Show. You slowly unwrap the bar of Hershey's chocolate that you brought and break away a perfectly square piece. You set it on the graham cracker that's balanced carefully on your knee and reach down for the bag of marshmallows. Cassie's really doing all of this right now, by the way. It's really hard. Yeah, she is. Can you say bag of marshmallows a little slower and deeper? Bag of marshmallows. You tear them open and you can't resist. You pop one in your mouth and feel the sweetness against your tongue and the softness as you bite down. You naughty girl, you. Chubby bunny. A perfect... A perfect tease for what's about to happen. Marshmallow foreplay, if you will. You push the perfect stick you found against a fresh marshmallow until it slides in. You're so dirty! You put the stick over the fire and slowly turn it until it starts to bake. You're feeling dangerous, so you lower the stick and let the marshmallow catch on fire. Then bring it out and with a deep breath, blow it out. No, God. You are ruining this. You just knocked the marshmallow right off the stick back into the fire. Let me tell you what's not sexy. This is my fantasy. Nothing goes wrong in it. Everything's going perfectly. Keep going, Christian. And then you scrape the marshmallow off the stick using your teeth. Like a monster. Like a jaw shark attacking a human. Stop ruining it! All right, focus. That's good. Back on track. Get back in character. Hold on, excuse me. All right, here we go. You quickly grab the cracker and chocolate off your knee and press the marshmallow against it. Then, using another graham cracker, squeeze everything together. Gooey, white goodness spills out all over the edges. I bet it does. And your breath quickens in anticipation. It smells like I'm having an asthma attack. Annie, are you okay? The smoke really gets to my lungs. You bring the perfect hot s'mores right to your mouth. You bite. You bite down. The crackers snap and give away to the soft, melted, sweet sugar of a perfectly toasted marshmallow. Then the cool chocolate breaks off. Why did he write something in the script that's trying to jack you up? As you chew, all the flavors come together. Perfect. A sweet blend. You grab your stick again and decide to go in. It's still early, and it'll be a long time before you're totally satisfied. This is what you've been waiting for all summer long. It's perfection. Crunchy, soft, sweet, hot, perfect. Exactly what you needed tonight. I needed that. Sexy s'more day on the bird show. Oh, that cracked me up, Jeff. All right, so just for us and for Cassie, say bag of marshmallows one more time. Bag of marshmallows. Say perfect square of chocolate. Perfect square of chocolate. Say look at that burning log. Look at that burning log. If your log is burning, that's a problem. I swear to God, no matter what this man says, it's hot. The stick slides in. Great job. My favorite was Cassie's sound effects. He presses it together. He bites down. I'm loving it. The words are real for me. That's why we do this. I can imagine myself eating this. Nothing sexy about your responses whatsoever. Zero. You blow out the flaming marshmallow. Have you ever seen me eat? It's the most unsexy thing on the planet. She had fried chicken left on her boob the other day. The bird show.

Script:
Hey. Hey Cassie. Hey girl. So what Christian will do here is... That's a different fantasy for another time. Keep it PG. Not today. So Christian comes in here from time to time and he will describe foods to Cassie that she's not allowed to have on her diet. Not to make fun, not to tempt her, but she said she wants to hear about these foods because she can't have them in her mouth. Oh, hang on. Let me dim the lights. Yeah. Okay. Get yourself in the mood. And if y'all want to know what Christian looks like, we have his picture up online at thebertshow.com so you can match a face with the voice. And just so you know, it matches. Where are we going today? Football season? It started and that means football food has started as well. Everyone thinks you're the hero, Cassie, because you offer to make that food run during the first half of every game. But it's actually a really selfish move. You don't care about football. You care about food. So true. And when you offer to make the little run, you get to be all alone with the food. Hot, fresh, and just for a little while, it's all yours. You pull into the bar and make a few laps to find the parking spot. This is always the worst part, the anticipation. You almost feel nervous. You find an open space and swing in. You walk to the restaurant and weave through the crowd, finally squeezing between two people at the bar. The bartender recognizes you and disappears into the back before a long stack of foam boxes is right before you, wrapped in a plastic bag just barely strong enough to hold them all. The bartender hands you your usual Coke with extra ice to go. You sometimes feel bad because the food you are holding is so hot, so fresh, you could be home in just a few minutes, but you won't be. I tell you, the food foreplay is just almost as good as the actual porn part. As a guy, I'm thinking too much foreplay. Get into the food. Food foreplay. Yeah, as hungry, I'm thinking the same thing. That's not how it works. There is payment for you running their errands, and that payment is your alone time with these plump, juicy, hot chicken wings. You sit in the driver's seat and crack the window open just enough to allow wisps of cool air in. No, no, no, we gotta keep it closed. We're gonna hot box that. That's your choice. There is nothing sexy about hot box. This is my fantasy, Jeff, go away. It's a Dutch oven. In your world, is that sexy? Not really. You set the boxes down on the seat next to you, and with a quick flick of your fingers, pop open the top one. Three boxes, three flavors, and you never know what you're gonna get first. The first wing in your hand is wet, which makes you a little nervous. There's always one box of super hot wings, and this might be the one. Are you okay, Cassie? Yes. You guys, her smile is so big, you can tell her cheeks hurt, and she's fanning herself right now. I love hot wings, keep going. The hot ones always hurt, but in a good way. You bring it to your lips with the anticipation. You put the whole thing in your mouth. Yeah, you do. You quickly realize it's mild, but you're not disappointed. It's still good. The meat quickly falls off the bone, and before you swallow, you're already fingering the second box with your hairy hand. Wow, that was a lot to take right there. She's hot. Yep, we're all a little uncomfortable after that line. Holy buffalo wings. You close the box without taking a wing. You know what's next, the best pain you've ever felt. The third box is what you've been waiting for, hot, so hot, wet, painful, and always delicious. You move to the box, the top of it, the pile, and open up all the way. The scent of the spicy wing sauce fills the car, burning your nose and eyes just a little bit. You do a quick inventory to make sure everything you need is there. Some cool sticks of celery, a small cup of blue cheese, and your ice cold Coke. You pick up your first wing carefully. It's big and it's thick. It's big and what? Thick. And it's covered with lots of extra sauce. You're going to take this one naked, no dressing to insulate you against this fire. It stings your nose as you raise it towards your mouth. As it touches your lips, the heat, it becomes real. Your eyes start to burn and you can feel yourself starting to sweat. In your mouth it goes. You're alone with nobody to judge, so you take the whole thing. There's no turning back now. You bite down and the meat falls away from the bone easily. And that brings just a little bit of relief until you start to chew. All the flavors, the fire, come together in your mouth. Your eyes watering. You're sweating. Wing sauce in the corner of your lips hurts as it runs down your chin. Stings as it's moving. You close your eyes and tip your head back. You keep working the wing, cleaning the bone as best you can. Yeah, she does. Before pulling it through your lips. Oh, there it is. I've actually, I've missed it a little bit. Do it again, Bird. Clean the bone, baby. You're proud of the way you like to clean a bone. And this one is no exception. This seriously has lasted longer than my honeymoon night. Three wings is enough. You have to get back to the house. You clean yourself up and head home using the Coke to cool off your mouth and rid your breath of all the evidence. You pull in the driveway just as you finish your soda and walk inside. Nobody is any wiser as you set out the wings for the group and watch them attack the boxes. Like animals, you smile. They don't really know how to eat a wing. The best way to do it is quietly, slowly, and alone. No worries, you'll do it again next week. Damn. Yeah. Good to the bone, baby. I think I'm speechless after that one. Can we get the line one more time about how good Cassie is with a bone? There was one in there. It was the trifecta. There's so many pages. She knows how to clean a bone. We're literally going to have our own Fifty Shades of Food porn novel by the time this is done. Oh my god, we will. We really could do a best of and just have, you know, chunked crannies. All right, go check Christian out and food porn is up online at theberkshow.com. Thanks, man. Thank you. The Berkshow.

Script:
Yeah, it's Memorial Day weekend all right and for the first time in years you're without a man, but that's okay Women can have just as much fun playing solo as they can with a guy You're standing in the backyard the sun is shining and all you're wearing is your favorite cute sundress hold up one second Cassandra young don't worry about what's on your computer. I want you to stop typing I Want you to make eye contact with Christian, and I want you to absorb this food porn. I was googling pictures of hot dogs Everybody's got their own thing that's fine go on Christian all right you're in that sundress bare feet hair pulled back No reason to look good for anyone else this weekend It's all about you you open the grill and immediately feel the sting of the heat from the hot coals You don't need a man to make it hot you can do everything a man can do alone and probably better You pick up the plate and look at the two raw hot dogs before you both of them are still wet from their meat juices They're big They're real big about eight inches long and all pure beef I think I think you should say wet from their meat juices while looking right at Cassie wet from their meat juices As you should and there's two of them you've never had two at the same time before You grab a knife and quickly make three small slices across both dogs Knowing that this will improve the wiener eating experience as they get hotter They're going to get bigger and plumper, and you had to give the meat tubes room to grow Cutting them like that felt better than it should have and a smile creeps onto your face You grab both hot dogs with one hand and both clenched loosely in your fist it feels so naughty But your smile grows bigger because it's exactly what you want, and there's nothing anybody can say about it right now You're single you're a grown woman, and if you want to all at the same time You're going to have two at the same time being alone tubes Meat juice Mm-hmm Being alone isn't really that bad after all you drop them on the grill and with the sizzle the roasting of your weenies begins There's Kristen's inner Seven-year-old he said wieners. Yeah, you watch them for a second and then close the lid you walk back towards the kitchen thinking about soft Buns tangy mustard and eating them all alone All by yourself this will forever be a Memorial Day weekend that you'll remember chow down meat tubes Well done Christian well done Christian for those of you Trying to stick to your lifestyle change this weekend. Good luck with that Especially if you're eating meat tubes Mm-hmm Whatever goodwill whatever sexy Christian gained on the bird show you took away in ten seconds. I just feel really bad for Callie right now meat juices What do you like a really hungry ghost The bird show

Script:
I'm so glad because I thought you were going to break out your Frankenstein sexy voice and do food porn in your Frankenstein voice. This is the real deal. I went down the hall and I... Oh yeah. Oh yeah! Okay, hold on a second. Hold on because Cassie and I are in Las Vegas, so we have a webcam set up. So can you put Christian on the webcam so I can put Cassie on my webcam so they can make eye contact while this is going on? I know, not only does he have that deep sexy voice, but he's a good looking dude too. Oh yeah. Oh jeez. I'm already excited. There they are. Now they're making eye contact. Now this is really creepy because we've got webcam action going on. This is. Ready to do this? Food porn for Cassie who's been so good, so strict about her diet. Christian, give her what she wants. Alright Cassie, I want you to close your eyes. No, I want to look at you while you do this. Just close them for a second. She's keeping her eyes open for you. I want you to picture this perfect picture. It's a perfectly sunny spring afternoon and you've got the perfect spot on the patio. In the sun. But enough of a breeze to keep you from getting too hot. Too hot, baby. The server comes around the corner and you see your order on her tray. It's a hot, thick, juicy piece of meat. Thick piece of meat. And it's all yours. It's right in front of you now. Soon it will be in your mouth. You study the soft, perfectly toasted bun. Two perfect pillows of bread to carry this decadence to your lips. Soft buns, baby. Cassie just turned up her microphone, or her headphones so she can hear it louder. Where does she have the headphones? Are they still on her head at this point? They're not vibrating headphones. Well, the way he speaks. Alright, go ahead. The green lettuce, red tomato, and white cheese peeking out and teasing you. Practically begging, eat me. And the crown jewel. What you've been dreaming about for days, it's so close now. The meat. Perfectly cooked, so hot, so delicious. You wrap both of your hands around this amazing delicacy. Your mouth starts to water in anticipation. Would it be a little weird if I said that it's starting to make it move for me too? What I worry about is people who are just now tuning in and they don't know what we're talking about. Or I'm kind of more focused on the people who have their eyes closed and are really fantasizing about this. Then they hear Bird's voice. Hey guys! Hey y'all! Hey, would it be weird? There's at least one woman that likes that. Go on, sorry. Can I continue? You do. You raise it up to your mouth and open as wide as you can. You bite down. Through the soft butter bun, the crisp clean lettuce, and into the hunk of meat so perfect, you don't want the bite to ever end. All the tastes come together in your mouth. The sweetness of the ketchup, the tangy cheese, the savory meat. A perfect blend of deliciousness. You can chew slowly, never wanting the experience to end. But then, you remember, you can take another bite. It's not over yet. You smile and a little juice escapes your mouth and runs down your chin. You're feeling naughty, so no napkin. You clean it up with your finger, then lick the juice off. No taste will be wasted. And now, it's time for another bite. Cassie's turned as red as her hair. By the way, this session itself has lasted four minutes longer than most dudes do in the same situation. This is the greatest burger you have ever had. Nice work. Hey Cassie, how you doing? Feeling a little hot in here. I'm not kidding, guys. I gotta take a picture. She's so flippin' hot right now. Best burger ever. Thank you, Christian. You did a wonderful job. You are so welcome. Thank you, Cassie. Thank you, Bert. You have been replaced, Jeff. You have been replaced. I'm fine. I know where my strengths are and where my weaknesses are. It's the Bert Show.

Script:
All right, it's a new year. This past one has been a little rough. Now it's time to let temptation take over. You need a release. You deserve a release. And I'm gonna give it to you, nice and slow, like a gentleman. Tonight, you are dining in the finest of restaurants, and it's all about the meat, something you've been longing for for oh so long. You'll wanna wrap your lips around this restaurant. We're calling it Bones. You guys, that's the best part. Well, the best part is what Christian is saying, but the second best part is watching Cassie's face as he does it. She's got her mouth open. He loves it. I'm livin' this. I'm a little red in the face. You should move a little closer. Come on. Your waiter, Antonio, arrives at your table and breaks into one of those speeches that one gets at a high-end steakhouse. He describes in vivid detail that all the meat was massaged and beer-fed. Antonio explains that they only offer the finest cuts of meat, and he boasts of his meat's succulent flavor. There's something about that word succulent. Yeah. Succulent. It really is. It just sounds sweaty. It does. It sounds moist. Your mouth begins to water, and you're starting to get hot. Antonio tells you that the cut of the meat is almost as important as the marination. After a quick glance at the menu, you make the decision. You're not going to have the same thing that you've been getting for years. It's time to step out of your comfort zone. You tell Antonio that you would like to try the 16-ounce ribeye. Whoa. That's a lot of meat, Cassie. Oh, but wait. I can handle that. Because tonight, you're going bone-in. Yeah, baby! Antonio explains that the meat you'll be experiencing is dry-aged and is sure to be the best that has entered your mouth. That makes me think of Hugh Hefner. Yeah, dry-aged is like Donald Trump. It's like jerky. Nobody wants it to be dry during food porn. It's wrinkled steak. It's moist-aged. Okay, but the marination, it's good, right? You're going to have to reset. We've all been there where we realize we made a mistake, but you just got to keep on going. All right. How would you like it cooked? Yes. Medium-rare, you say. Antonio explains that this piece of meat will be slightly warmer in reddish-pink. So hot. Sorry. Just the word pink, huh? That's right, reddish-pink. Antonio also suggests a side of their unforgettable whipped garlic mashed potatoes, telling you, and you start to imagine, you can't wait for that creamy white goodness covering all of your lips. Antonio tells you not to forget the most important part, the gravy, so you can chug it straight, coating your throat with the deliciousness. And after all that... Look at Cass, he can't even look you in the eyes right now. It's salty. Sincerely. And after all that meaty goodness, Antonio saves the best for last, telling you that you'll be experiencing the most decadent, the most sinful dessert to end your lustful culinary adventure, molten chocolate lava cake. Here we go. Can you say that again, please, but slower? Molten chocolate lava cake. Oh, yeah. That was impressive. You imagine the lava being squirted all over the moist goodness, putting the whole thing in your mouth as you open wide. The chocolate begins to drip down your chin and you collapse back into your chair. You'll be fully satisfied. There it is. Nice. Woo! Very well done. Whose part? Yeah. Steakhouse and chocolate.

Script:
You can't believe you were able to drop sorry the lights. We gotta dim the lights. Turn the lights just like the candle. I move out of my seat so Christian can sit at it and have direct eye-to-eye contact with Cassie as he does this. Alright. Cassie's not looking at his eyes. No she's not. I'm looking at the turkey on my computer screen. As you should. You cannot believe your good fortune. In a house full of people, you have found yourself completely alone. Well, almost alone. On the counter, just a few feet away and hidden under a sheet of aluminum foil, the most amazing, beautiful, delicious turkey that you have ever laid your eyes on. The problem is, just a few feet past that, is all of your family. You have a split-second decision to make. Are you about to do something so forbidden and so naughty you would be ashamed and even humiliated if you got caught? We already know the answer. Yes. Or do you continue to be a good girl everyone thinks you are? You must decide now, and you decide on being bad. Real bad. You know you'll be punished in front of everybody if you get caught, but you might never have this chance again. You lift the foil off the bird, the big, fat, succulent, juicy, perfect beast that's been cooked for hours. Hold on, say that again slower. The big, fat... Nope, slower. The big, fat, succulent, juicy, perfect beast. Alright, say that even slower, but look at Bert. No! Isn't that how you were introduced to Callie for the first time? This thing's been cooked for hours to perfection, roasted in the oven and teasing you for hours with its unmistakable aroma. You're someone that doesn't do well with waiting, so this day has been torture. You're almost mad at this creation for teasing you, and now you'll give it the punishment it deserves. You grab the carving knife and press it against the brown, crispy skin. You slowly draw the blade back and watch as the first layer gives way and exposes the perfection underneath. Steam rises up and captured in that moisture are all the flavors that have teased the bird with the earlier basting. Absolute perfection. Everything has come together perfectly. You inhale and hold it. You press down against the soft flesh and juices start to run down the breast. Amazing, you say out loud. I think you need to say juices run down the breast slower. Juices start to run down the breast. Are you sure this food board isn't for you? Amazing, you say out loud. You're almost startled at the sound of your own voice. It brings you back to reality and reminds you how naughty you are actually being. You're too far in now. You keep going. You keep pressing down and then quickly pull out. Oh, sorry. You're too far in. Pull out. I know where we're going here. You move the blade back and make another cut. A quick, clean slice. A perfect wedge of meat is now free for the taking. You quickly grab it and foolishly put it right in your mouth. The heat stings your tongue while the flavors decide to take over. This is delicious, beautiful, perfect. You chew and quickly swallow. You grab the foil and cover up the bird and wipe the knife clean. He said swallow, baby. That's right. You grab the foil and cover up the bird and wipe the knife clean and set it back right where it was. Then you quickly head into the other room. Nobody should know it was you that violated the bird. He said violated, baby. Because you'd be in trouble if you got caught. Daddy is the only one who gets to cut the turkey. What? And daddy gets... Things that aren't even close to sexy. Daddy needs to cut the turkey. And daddy gets mad when someone else tries to touch it. This is so disturbing now. And you don't want daddy mad at you. I don't want daddy in my food porn. This got so creepy. Jeff, did you write this? What do you think? You don't want a spanking on Thanksgiving. Or do you? No. He's taking a really, really, really bad turn. This is a family holiday. Wait a minute. Can you just read the last part? Just the daddy part and we won't interrupt and be rude. Okay. Because you'd get in trouble if you got caught. Daddy is the only one who gets to cut the turkey. And daddy gets... He can't even read it. And daddy gets mad when someone else touches it. You don't want daddy mad at you. You don't want a spanking on Thanksgiving. Or do you? I'm so disturbed. For you dudes listening, I want you while you're about to carve the turkey this weekend in your kitchen to turn around and yell Daddy's the only one who gets to cut the turkey. Creeper.

Script:
Yeah, you do. There you go. Christian, can you say, lick the cream? Lick the cream. Hold on. Switch places with me, because you've got to sit next to Cassie. All right, so this here is food porn for Cassie, because her diet is so incredibly strict that she likes hearing about foods that she can't eat. So we bring Christian here, who's on the Berk Show staff, who you have said has this amazing sexy voice, and he reads about different ingredients that Cassie can't have. And we call that food porn. And here we are on the cusp of Easter, so this is all Easter-themed for you, Cass. Nothing says, rise up, Jesus, like describing Easter food in a sexy voice. That's right. Hey, start this off. Step into my tomb. Start off like that. Step into my tomb. No, we're not saying that. You're a bit extreme. Disrespectful. All right, it's all yours. There is so much wrong with what you are about to do, but you've been a good girl all month. Everyone needs to be naughty once in a while. You're at work. Everyone around you is getting their day started, clearing voicemails, putting together to-do lists, settling in for the day. But you have only one thing on your mind, and you're going to take care of that one thing right now. Right at your desk, before you do anything else, you don't care how early it is. When you feel the desire, you need to satisfy it. You reach into your purse and feel around until you find it, searching for the only little thing that can satisfy you at a time like this. There it is. You close your hand around it. It fits perfectly in your palm. Nobody will notice. You bring it out and open your hand under your desk so nobody will see. With the index finger of your other hand, you gently stroke it, rubbing all over its smooth surface. We're still talking about food, right? What is it? You close your eyes and imagine what's about to happen. You open them slowly and look down. The colorful wrapper begs to be torn off, and that's exactly what you start to do. Is it what I think it is? Peeling away the foil quickly and letting the discarded pieces fall to the ground, soon it's in your hand completely naked. You need to move quickly before your Cadbury Cream Egg starts to get messy. There it is! There it is! Can you get it to me? And this one has cream in it, Cassie. Yes, it does. Look at Cassie. She's messed up. Sometimes being messy is fun, but this isn't one of those times. You bring the hard, round chocolate egg to your mouth quickly and open just enough to slide it in, just a bit. You bite down and break off the first taste of delicious chocolate shell. You let it sit on your tongue for just a second to melt before you chew, then swallow. You look down at the- I don't think you said swallow slow enough. And then swallow. You actually made it move for me just a little bit. You look down at the familiar inside of the treat, white filling with just a dot of yellow. Perfection. That's actually kind of a gross sentence, to be honest with you. You bring the exposed goodness to your lips, but this time, instead of biting it, you use your tongue to taste the magic inside for just a second. You know time is of the essence, so you bite down again and now your mouth is filled with the chocolate shell and the creamy goodness from the middle. This is heaven, you think. Knowing that the phone will start ringing, you swallow and then finish it off with one last bite. You sit back in your chair and look at the few crumbs that have fallen on your white skirt. Oh no. You carefully dust them away and remember that you have a second egg in your bag of crumbs. Of course you do! One is not enough. You get to work. I was going to say, who dusts crumbs away? You mop those up with your finger and eat them. One is good, but two is better. And you're counting down the minutes until lunch. Bawk, bawk. Easter Bunny. Bawk, bawk. What? I want to hear you do that again. Bawk, bawk. I want to hear you do that again. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. I can't! What the hell is that? You don't remember the Easter, um, the Cranberry egg commercial? Bawk, bawk, Easter Bunny. Oh my God! No, I remember. I just didn't know. I'm no offense, Christian, but even you can't make that exact. Yeah, I even pulled up one of the commercials just to make sure I was on the right, okay? And that's how it sounds, so. Is that the end of food porn? That is the end. Oh, awesome job. Awesome job. Yeah, because the mood is pretty much ruined after that. Bawk, bawk. He is risen. Bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk.

Script:
And we call it food porn. Oh yeah. Or some of us call it dirty nom noms. Dirty nom noms. And this wasn't to tease her or make fun of her. She actually enjoyed hearing about the food she couldn't eat. How are you today, Christian? I am well, thank you. Alright, in the past we've done barbecue, we've done pizza. Sundaes. Sundaes you've made sexy. Cheeseburgers. Cheeseburgers you've made sound sexy. Can't eat that stuff if you guys are on diets. What we got here, Jeff? Well, I was sent a couple months ago Fifty Shades of Chicken. Fifty Shades of Grey style novel written from the perspective of the chicken. What? That's awesome. Someone was so high. It's genius. Should we change the porn music today? Why would this be the porn music? Play the chicken dance song. Get it? I get it. So this is an excerpt from the book. And Cassie, it's for sale on Amazon.com. The person who sent it to me is not the author. It's very funny to read. So this is an excerpt. It's a recipe book. And every recipe has a couple paragraphs ahead of it setting up why that's the next recipe. So this is a recipe for a vanilla bourbon chicken. Nice. Fifty Shades of Chicken. Food porn from Christian. From the perspective of the chicken. And that's me. She takes me from the fridge and lays me gently on my back on a platter. Her fingers are so strong and commanding. And the alcohol is making me cocky. Does this mean you're about to make dinner with me? I blurt. Her expression is hooded. No chicken. I don't make dinner. I cook hard, she says. We need to look at some recipes together. I hear my subconscious squawking a warning from somewhere far across a brandied mist. She holds me under the faucet. The touch of her hands and the flowing water make my tail convulse deliciously. The tension grows unbearable. A cluck of longing emerges from deep inside me. Her long fingered hands are all over me. I want to cook you, she whispers. This is fantastic. I'm periscoping this right now and I'm trying to hold the camera still and I can't. This is my favorite one. Oh my, I'm heating up from the inside out. She reaches over to me, opens up a colossal cabinet full of spice jars. Tell me, how do you want it? You choose. Want it, I say gaping. I'm a roaster. What should I want besides a little salt and pepper? Yes, you know, spices method. What recipe? Now I finally get it. I feel like such an idiot. She wants to flavor me. I've never been seasoned, I mumble despondently. Or even, um, prepped. Never, she whispers. Not like this, confess. No one's ever even crisped you? No, I'm not sure I'm ready for this spicy stuff. The sprawling spice cabinet stands wide open like a kinky taunt. I'm practically pink with embarrassment. My unconscious squawks with indignation. Why should I be ashamed? I may be a tipsy chicken, but I'm a free-ranged organic tipsy chicken with an unexpired sell-by date. I shouldn't need spicy additives. She drums her fingers on the cutting board. Into the bowl, she commands, ripping a sheet from a packet of foil. I don't do vanilla. I've never done vanilla. But tonight, we're doing vanilla. Oh yeah! Nicely done. What is the name of that book again? That is fantastic. It's Fifty Shades of Chicken, and I found it on Amazon, and the recipes look really great. And every intro to the recipe is just like that. Amazing. I wonder if that book needs a narrator. Yes! Oh my god, the audio book! That's genius, Christian! The audio book, Fifty Shades of Chicken. That's right. Someone doesn't have to read it. They can just put it in their kitchen, and when they're ready to make something, I'll just tell them how to make it. There you go. Well done. Well done. The Bird Show.

Script:
Aroma finger That's all the food porn we need this week And we're done. I love it Christian food porn is all you right now. This is just for you I want you to close your eyes and imagine you're asleep. You're asleep in a bed That's not yours the most comfortable bed you have ever slept in you're perfectly snuggled into the deep plush mattress Covering you the softest silkiest sheets you've ever felt a very high thread count And on top of that a comforter that must be stuffed with clouds so soft and light and warm You're in that delicious zone between asleep and awake when a knock at the door decides for you that it's time to get up Somewhat annoyed you climb from the bed and grab a robe while making your way across the luxurious hotel suite Through the open window you see a beach with white sand and blue-green water Reflecting that bright Sun your room is cool Though so cool that you can't wait to get back in bed and wrap up in that warm comforter There's another knock and you snap. I'm coming in a tone. That's a little more harsh than normal for you A Muffled sorry comes from the hallway And you think you better be as you unlock the door and pull it open Your mouth drops open and you gasp as what's before you leaves you speechless It's Ryan Gosling Getting better than this for her no no and in front of him a room service cart covered with several dishes All covered to hide their contents may I come in? You silently step aside and open the door the words of course are in your brain But you can't seem to get them to your mouth Where do you want it Ryan is looking at you waiting for an answer? I'm sorry you ask Fumbling over your words what the food? Where do you want it? Oh? This is really happening you realize it's not a dream Mmm. You look around the room trying to come up with an answer to this simple question Ryan has a suggestion how about I move this table here, so you can have breakfast in bed while looking at the beach He's the perfect man All you can muster is a yup Ryan gets to work tidying up the bed and rearranging furniture He pulls the card over and offers to show you what he brought before putting it into your improvised dining table You've pulled yourself together somewhat and you speak your first coherent sentence to him Show me everything you've got there, right It's This scene He lifts the first lid a perfectly stacked pyramid of Boston cream doughnuts The swell smell fills the air and just looking at them. You can imagine how soft and warm They'll feel right in your mouth with the creamy inside spilling out and covering your tongue and sweetness You can't wait Sorry this is dessert. He says as he puts the lid down over them That's what you think you say under your breath now. He lifts the second lid It's the most delicious cheeseburger You've ever seen a hot patty of perfectly grilled meat with cheese oozing over the sides The bun is thick and golden brown But instead of fries next to the burger is a mound of amazing whip mashed potatoes And in the middle of the mashed potatoes a steamy pool of gravy ready to be stirred right into the potato You can imagine using leftover parts of the bun to scoop up the potatoes and gravy Perfection Cassie close your mouth I'm sorry Ryan pulling you back to reality. I forgot a couple things Ryan goes on to explain that he had a second tray, but forgot to put it on the cart You asked what was on it? And he says that it was an order of angel hair pasta with vodka sauce, but you've been specially prepared Just for you. He also explains that the tablecloth was on the other tray Give me ten minutes, and I'll be back, and I'll get you all set up You can't hide your disappointment and Ryan notices that I'm so sorry he says Let me see what I can do he quickly looks around the room and proposes the idea Let me get you set up with this food I have an idea for the tablecloth And then we can get you started right with that burger when you're ready for the pasta call me And I will come back that work Your mouth is watering and Ryan Gosling is offering to come back to your room It's a perfect idea you say and with that Ryan takes off his necktie and begins to unbutton his crisp clean perfect white shirt the collar Then the next button another a fourth you better not say I wake up All Of them are now unbuttoned He's not wearing a t-shirt And there is a tan smooth exposed and perfect Ryan Gosling chest just a few inches away from you This is supposed to be food porn. No. This is fine Shut up Kristen as he pulls the shirt off you see his muscles rippling and flexed Is this really happening with a snap of his wrist the shirt becomes a tablecloth? Carefully lays it out and smooths it on the table and places the burger and the doughnuts down Surprises you with a milkshake you hadn't seen before an amazing spread before you Yeah, he said spread It's one heck of a spread and then he turns to leave I'll be back soon He assures you enjoy he almost purrs As he closes the door so you can have privacy You're gonna need a baby Or as the British say privacy You sit down in front of the food and as you take the first bite You hope Ryan doesn't leave his clean shirt with him The only thing that would make this better is him returning to your room shirtless and with his man chicken What an amazing day? You see man chicken Chicken what is a man? your imagination What an amazing day happy birthday Cassie Happy birthday girl. Thank you. You need to go home now. I'm gonna fall asleep Man are you okay? Chris? Yeah. Yeah, you got me a man. You did say man chicken. I did say yeah chicken The bird show

Script:
Once a year, you get to act out and be a little naughty. This is that time. The days are getting shorter and better. It's lunch, and all your co-workers have decided on Mexican food. You tell them you'll try to catch up later, but you don't tell them where you're going. It's going to be your first time this year, and you need to be all alone. Just a few minutes later, you're walking under the green awning and standing in line. Sure, you could have done it through the drive-thru, but in order to get the experience, the whole thing, it's best to get inside. The Starbucks is busy, but it's like you're the only one there. And now it's your turn. Stefan asks you what you want, and you answer through trembling lips, a pumpkin spice latte. Stefan raises his pierced eyebrows and just stares. You nervously ask, what? Why are you so basic? Sighs, he says dismissively. You hope he doesn't realize it's your first time, and muster up the courage to confidently ask grande. Grande. Grande. He said, grande. Then you quickly add, with whip. Yeah, says Stefan and punches in your order. He takes your money, and you move to the end of the counter to wait. You can't take your eyes off Chloe, as her expert hands assemble all the ingredients. You're not the type that usually associates with someone who has hand piercings and tattoos, but Chloe is the most beautiful person you have ever seen, as she wraps her fingers around the grande white cup. Then her hands move so quickly, frothy milk, pumpkin-flavored spices, the espresso, and then it's done. She sets it aside, and almost in slow motion, she adds the whip. Thick. Hey, that's not in the script. Oh, sorry. Thick, pure, white, whipped cream that's about to be in your mouth. In your mouth. I feel like I'm at the dentist, Chris. That's the worst sound effect ever. Seriously. What does it sound like? Not. Yeah, that really does sound like the dentist trying to drain all the spit out of your mouth. Or it's like an RV toilet that's just run out of water. Or the bathroom in the plane. Yeah. She sets it down. Adds the whip. He's taking her totally out of the mood. Hold on, hold on. Let the music play. Get her back in. We'll get it back in. And we're back. And we're back. A few shakes of spice, and now it's in front of you. Hot coffee, cool whipped cream, and it's all yours. You step back and close your eyes. You bring it to your lips to take your first sip. You close your eyes and feel the whipped cream with hints of cinnamon against your lip. And now the warm pumpkin spice coffee, it's in your mouth. You let it sit for a second. Where is it? It's in your mouth. He said your mouth, baby. No. You let it sit for a second. This is the unsexiest food porn we have ever done. Somebody just ordered a cafe mocha with whip. But then you swallow. So good. So perfect. And it won't be your last. After Ugg boots and scarves, this is your favorite thing about fall. It's in your mouth, baby. I feel like I just jumped behind the counter and just grabbed the bottle of whipped cream and started spraying it straight into my mouth. See? Hers sounds the same as mine. Is that it? Are we done with food porn? I think we're done. By far and away the unsexiest food porn ever. That was the prom night version of food porn. So much anticipation and such disappointment. Thanks, Christian. Thank you. It's not you. It's Kristen. I know.

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In our next segment we visit individual stadiums, explore tales of the classic teams, legendary stars, and the devotion of the American baseball fan.

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The year was 1967, and the astronauts of Apollo 16 were going to the moon. This is Charlie Duke, Lunar Module Pilot on Apollo 16.

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They are hunters, with muscles taut and eyes fixed on their intended prey. They are gentle, with fluid movement and a sensitive touch. They are regal, with a lineage that goes back to worshipped ancestors during the time of the pharaohs.

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We go about our daily lives understanding almost nothing of the world. We give little thought to the machinery that generates sunlight that makes life possible, to the gravity that glues us to an Earth that would otherwise send us spinning off into space, or to the atoms of which we're made.

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live now from the scene, local city hall, your home of the brave news radio 1067 W Y a Y Gainesville, Atlanta, cumulus station.

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From every power play to the one-timer, DAE has got your playoff hockey. Rebound! He's out! 620 WDAE, Tampa Bay Sports Radio.

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You hear the headlines. I have rescinded the executive order which instituted the state of emergency. You know the stories. I will hold those accountable if change is not made. A different perspective. Cairo.

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Time to die! This week on The Big Podcast with Shaq. Shaq and John get some listener feedback. We find out how Shaq rolls on vacation. And we're in studio with the best impressionist in America, the hilarious Frank Caliendo. Now live from the Shaq Cave in Atlanta, it's John Kincaid and the diesel Shaquille O'Neal.

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Giving you the most local news, weather, and traffic. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. NewsRadio 700. WLW. Cincinnati.

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Whether it's Game 7 or Game 126, KNBR has got you covered. It's why we are, we are the sports leader.

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the verdict guilty on the top four counts all of them make him eligible for the death penalty get the latest developments on the boston bombing trial stay with us on news talk wkyx

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eSports station. We're gonna base our judgments off of what they do not what they've done. When you want sports. And the mistake it was. It's Sports Radio 1560. The Fan.

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93X ROCKS! 1027, EBN.

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Kiss, Death Leopard, live at the Sleep Country Amphitheater June 27th and 92.3 KGON has your tickets all this week

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Join the 100.7 ZXL Workforce Club. It's your inside pass to prizes you can't get anywhere else.

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Support local music every Monday night. It's 98 Rock. The noise in the basement, live.

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Stream Rock 105 now at rock105.com or on iHeartRadio.

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96XFest is coming. Panic at the Disco. Group Love. The Dirty Heads. And more June 19th in Telos Wireless Pavilion.

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Your Rock Station 99.7 The Blitz

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If it rocks, it's 107.3 WAAF.

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No radio? No problem. Whether you're road trippin', or you just work in one of those sucky steel buildings that not even a nuclear bomb could penetrate, you've always got the Valley's Real Rock with you. Just get the free Rock 104 app from iTunes, the Google Play Store, or just download it from realrock104.com.