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Hello, everybody, and welcome to KMPC's 30 Minutes of Music Memories. Whether you're in your car or in your living room, these classics from the 60s, 70s, and 80s will turn back the clock, turn down the stress, and make this day a whole lot better. Music Memories, 3.30 every afternoon, right here on KMPC Los Angeles. 7.10 on your AM dial. KMPC.com.
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Yesterday I died. You still with me, pal? Because I want to pass some information on to you that will really help you down the road. You see, I found a way to make my passing a little easier on my wife and family. A few years ago I heard a radio ad for Forest Lawn Mortuaries and how they have these great prepaid plans for mortuary and funeral services. So I gave them a call, made an appointment. I know you're thinking this is really going to be morbid, right? But it wasn't. They were great people. They walked me through everything. The price was unbelievable. And when your time comes, no matter how many years later, your bill has been paid in full. And look at this place. They even got a museum here. I'm going to be resting with the biggest stars in Hollywood and my wife and family won't have some of the stress that usually comes at this time. Check it out, pal. Call 1-800-FOREST-LAWN. It'll give you a great peace of mind. You can thank me later.
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Prepare your palace for pure paradise, partners, and participate in the parade of people partaking of Colonel Sanders' Summer Picnic Pack. For the fabulous fee of only $5.55, you can feed five fairly famished folk the most incredibly colossal complete meal since the age-old invention of outdoor eating. Twelve perfectly plump pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken, a bequeathed pint of crisp coleslaw, a pair of pints or twice as much mashed potatoes, a pint of good golden gravy, and six rich rolls. What a beautiful break for a broken-down budget to be able to buy such a bounteous bargain. So, whether you want to play at the park, bask at the beach, or hide in your hammock, you can chuck away your charcoal and bust up your barbecue, because the Colonel's Summer Picnic Pack, as previously postulated, puts a pastel of perfection on your platter for a pittance. In fact, an infinitesimal $5.55. So, climb in your car and clamber quickly to Colonel Sanders' Kentucky Fried Chicken Kitchen. Charge up to the counter and cry out calmly, Picnic people! Place in my pinkies Colonel Sanders' Summer Picnic Pack, please, and fly fast to your family, having flicked from your billfold a fantastically frugal figure of only $5.55. I'm finally finished. Farewell.
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We're talking to Captain Coachella, who I understand is the first man in the world to teach a California Coachella grapefruit to talk. Well, yes, that's right. I've taught several, in fact. These Coachella grapefruit have different personalities, you know. Well, what do you teach them to say? Oh, different things. The latest one is a five-minute gag routine. I can get them to tap dance. You know, that'd make a great hit at the supermarket. Johnny Carson's show would be better. Anyway, they're already a big hit at the supermarket. People just love that really unique tang and flavor that the Coachella grapefruit has. Well, what makes it so unique? Well, it's a hot, dry climate in the Coachella Valley. I could build me a nice plant there. That's something to remember. Well, if you want to catch a really funny act, remember Coachella, a grapefruit with a name that sounds like fur coat. Just one problem, though. What's that? The public's just eating them up.
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These people are doing something that will have the whole neighborhood talking. They're using the revolutionary new Garden Gun. This light, easy-to-use Garden Gun takes the work out of working in your garden. Hard-to-reach places are now easy to reach. Garden Gun is safe, too. No leaks, no drips. With Garden Gun, you can go from working hard to hardly working. Get the lightweight, easy-to-use Garden Gun at a store near you, and give your neighbors something to talk about.
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May Company is having a Francis Denny Lip Celebration! Denny cares for your lips with rich, lustrous Performing Care Lipstick. Eye Gloss Performing Care Lipstick Pencil. Denny Slim Pencil Liner. Truly Natural Lip Gloss. Finally, Light Sheer Tint Lip Conditioner. And May Company will give you a Kohl Eye Pencil with any purchase from the Lip Celebration Collection. Look for Francis Denny at May Company. And on my cheek. Can we do that again?
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Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. And then one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold.
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And Tafflepock, your wish has been heard, and your wish has been granted. Huh? Sir, I am a representative of the Amalgamated Dogon Fairies. We have branches all the way from Boston to Bangkok, Baltimore, Bangladesh, and even down to Buenos Aires. And we put put about seeking out and happy people like you who need our services, and you certainly do. Your lifestyle, if you'll permit me, is strictly P.U. But... You lucky young man, oh, this wondrous piano will take you away from it all. You lucky young man, oh, this wondrous piano will take you away from it, far, far away from it, far, far away from it all. Look here, Mr... McGillicuddy. Mr. McGillicuddy, I can't play a piano. Me boy, playing this piano is as easy as pie. Just watch what I do, then you give it a try.
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Ever wonder why some people get so much mail? I get a lot of mail. Maybe I'm on somebody's list. Or maybe people like you just like sending questions and comments into my new morning segment called Minnesota Minutes. Whatever the reasons, I do get a lot of mail. A friend of mine has a five to ten minute segment on national television every Sunday night. I'm not him. My show is short and cheap and I'm paid accordingly. Minnesota Minutes is a show based on the observations and comments of a brand new resident of the state of Minnesota, me. For example, here's a request sent in by a fellow named Mark. Mark wants to know, what are your impressions of our potholes? Well, Mark, I never really understood the true meaning of the word pothole until I arrived in Minnesota and spent some time in one. If Minnesota is truly the land of ten thousand lakes, it's easily the land of ten million potholes. Of course, in California, where I come from, one of your potholes might very well be considered a lake. And why do they call them potholes anyway? I mean, they don't look like pots and they aren't really holes. And how long is it before a pothole becomes a lake? And how many of the original ten thousand lakes actually began as potholes? And why does it take so long to fill a pothole in? Perhaps they're considered national watersheds, in which case we may see signs all over the highways and streets of Minnesota soon saying, drive slowly, state pothole preservation area. Well, that's a Minnesota Minute for today. I'm sorry I ran a little longer than usual, but when you're driving through potholes, it tends to make you do everything a little slower. Thanks for watching and listening.
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Music can really get you going, but I want to tell you something that gets me going, and that's when someone comes up to me and tries to tell me that God is dead. Brothers and sisters, He cannot die. Perhaps, perhaps He is napping. Perhaps He is sick. Maybe He has an earache or becomes nauseous. When we become nauseous, do we not take a break? Does not the Almighty deserve that same consideration? After all, we must remember that God is only human. Genesis chapter 9, verse 3. Brothers and sisters, God is not dead. He is alive and well. And because of your prayers, He is helping us to complete the largest shopping center in the northern hemisphere. Christian Fashion Plaza. Which includes the Christian Bowling Alley and the Christian Kosher Deli.
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Grandma Francine. Yes, Eddie? Concentrate. My dear, what do you like best about being a grandmother? Not looking like one. Good answer! See you later. Grandma Betty. As Grandma USA, if you could be granted any three wishes, what would they be? To end world hunger, to bring peace to every nation, and to find a cure for cellulite. Let's hear it for Grandma Betty. And Grandma Thelma. Yo, Eduardo. You're not nervous at all, are you? Oh, heck no, how could I be nervous when I got this wonderful audience pulling for me? You are wonderful! Wonderful! Let them pull themselves a minute, they're wonderful! Wonderful! Terrific! Grandma Thelma. Terrific! Grandma Thelma. Terrific! Thelma. How old... How old are you? Say what? How old are you? What the hell kind of a question is that? Well, our judges felt that Grandma USA should be a woman proud of her years. Oh, yeah? How old are the judges? Well, you're getting away from the subject here a little bit now. You bet I am, you big bozo! How come you didn't ask me my three wishes like you did thunder thighs over there? Thelma, the question is, how old are you? And the answer's none of your damn business!
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Tonight, in a modern world of supersonic aircraft, guided missiles, hydrogen bombs, and shuttles bound for outer space, it seems fitting and proper for us to honor those fallen heroes of our great United States of America. A thousand battles of land, sea, and air echo the glory of their valiant deeds. Under quiet sod and beneath the murmuring waves, these men and women, these soldiers of our National Guards, our Coast Guards, our Army, Navy, Marines, and Air Force, sleep in peace.
