Lyssa Graham | Professional Voice Actor for Commercial & Political

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Much better to be deranged than foolish, don't you think? Look at all of you, running, screaming, cowering in fear. How delicious. You're gonna be a good host for Mia, okay? She seems like a nice kid, and her mom is coming over too, and she is really cool! She brews beer in her garage! It was Lucius who built the academy, of course. You know that, right? Oh, you didn't? Oh, that's unfortunate. He never told you. I could smell it! Someone in my house is hungry! Sit, sit, sit, cookie! Don't you wish Nana could cook for you every single day? Baby, that ain't breakfast! It's a party sub! I took the bread from yesterday's lunch, and a little bit of that turkey green is not too bad. Slapped it all together, guess what? Jameson's gonna want to know what this is all about. Look, give me a few seconds. I'll get all the info we need. Then you can treat me to a proper date. Preferably one with no running. I have no bars! Repeat! I have no bars! None! Okay, okay, okay! Breathe, Peyton! Breathe! Ah! Whoa! Swallow the moth. Again! Look no further! I'm the keeper of this fire! But you can call me Calliope. Kill you? Don't be ridiculous! Do you know what I am going to do? I'm going to make you suffer! You're going to suffer and beg and scream, and then you'll suffer some more! We're going live to Doug. He's at the circus museum for the big parade. Doug? Doug? Oh, Doug. Doug, you shouldn't have worn the peanut costume. Well, we'll just go to the... The weather! Fred!

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Lisa Graham, this is from I can barely take care of myself by Jen Kirkman. I Went on a business trip one weekend and the guy who drove the shuttle from the parking lot to the airport said where you headed? New York City, I told him He got all bright-eyed New York City. Mm-hmm. I've always wanted to go there But I only know about it from those sex in the city repeats. I Was delighted I Realized that my subtle streaks of racism had kept me from ever even Thinking I'd get to talk about one of my favorite TV shows with a straight middle-aged black guy Can I ask you a question? Miss New York? Now, let me guess. Are you a Carrie? Oh Samantha a Charlotte or a Miranda? No. No way. Let me guess He took one look at the motorcycle boots I was wearing and said Damn girl Looking at those shoes. You ain't any one of them ladies

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Lisa Graham This is from small blue thing by Madison smart Bell First of all, it wasn't a raven. I am NOT a raven. Thank you very much Thank you. No applause, please They always get it wrong a raven an actual raven with a five-foot wingspan and a beak like a samurai sword Probably wouldn't even have fit in the freaking house. I am a crow. Thanks very much an American common crow corvus brachyrhynchos harsh call ragged shadow on the lawn Poetic license is what they call it when they get it wrong nevermore Never said it. The first word out of my mouth was a simple. Hello Not fantastically original I grant you it was just hello Just to fill up the dead air and create a distraction while I sidled toward the mantelpiece

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Lisa Graham. This is from The Big Book of Female Killers by Tori Telfer. There's something so seductive about the word murderous. It's mostly that serpentine double S at the end that gives the word its poisonous charm. But murderesses? We're into them. We like them clever, glamorous, powerful, and built for a compelling Hollywood biopic. Everything that the average female serial killer from the past century or so is not. But the first known female serial killer, that's a whole different story. She was the type of girl to really put the double S into murderess. A woman who history hasn't been able to stop immortalizing, vampirizing, and sexualizing since records of her trial were discovered in the 1720s. I'm talking about the queen of all serial killers. The OG female sadomasochist. The woman who inspired not one, not two, but eight black metal band names. The dreadful Hungarian countess herself, Elizabeth Bathory.

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Constantly striving for perfection, where second best is not an option. When the road to success is never a straight line. You may think we're describing the new 2014 Cadillac CTX Coupe, but actually, we're describing its owners.

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The deals are hot. The deals are hotter than ever. Carson Toyota will give you a new 32-inch flat-screen TV when you buy any new or pre-owned vehicle. While supplies last. Brand new 2014 Camry LE, now $169 a month. New 2014 Corolla LE's, $199 a month. New 2014 Tundra Double Cab, just $269 a month. Red hot savings on 500 new Toyotas. Visit us today on 281 at Southwest Highway. Carson Toyota and CarsonToyota.com CarsonToyota.com

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Shop San Diego's largest selection of new and pre-owned BMWs during Classic BMW's Valentine's Day Sale. Sweet deals all weekend long. Pick your new BMW and drive it off the lot for zero out of pocket. Classic BMW is offering zero down, zero financing, and zero payments for 90 days. What's not to love? Missing this sale could really break your heart. Classic BMW. Off the 5 on Broadway.

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Hey, St. Paul! Lisa Gray out here at Clearwater Honda. And are you ready for this? 50 years ago today, the Beatles held the top five positions on the Billboard Hot 100. The number one song you ask? Can't Buy Me Love. So true. But at Clearwater Honda, you can buy a brand new Honda Civic LE for zero down and only $219 a month. Honda makes the cars. Clearwater makes the difference.

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And our final story, this afternoon Ford Motor Company issued a mandate to all authorized Ford dealerships to reinstate the popular Cash for Clunkers program. Ford is promising customers up to $5,000 for their trade-in on the purchase of a new Ford vehicle. This and other Ford rebates means car shoppers can now own a new Ford for up to 50% off manufacturer suggested retail price. For more information, contact your Tri-Cities Ford dealer.

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What's the difference between a General with four stars and a mom with four kids? These days, not much, except that Mr. General is rarely on the front lines. And when I need to shift into battle mode, my new Hyundai Santa Fe is all the backup I need. It seats seven and includes more standard airbags than Ford Edge or Chevy Equinox. And I know, I checked. Plus, my new Santa Fe has a five-star safety rating, a 10-year powertrain limited warranty, and gets 27 highway miles to the gallon. You know what? Tell the General to call off his troops. I got this one covered.

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I don't mind telling you I'm on a budget, but I do mind saying I'd ever settle for second best. Which I wouldn't, and don't, and didn't. I mean, the Kia Soul is the coolest car I have ever driven. It has, like, Bluetooth everything, totally spacious, and gets amazing mileage. And at only $14,900, let's just say I came in well under budget. And if you want my advice, which I'm sure you do, I'd say check out the new Kia Soul. You'll be amazed.

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Reward your sense of intrigue with the all new redesigned 2015 Lincoln MKS for only $379 a month. Lincoln, what a luxury car should be. 36 month lease, $3250 due at signing. Not all customers will qualify. See Lincoln.com for full details.

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Hey, I'm Liz. When I'm not shredding it up in St. Paul, I'm shifting gears with my Honda HR-V. All-wheel drive, room for my bike, and best of all, brake assist. My Honda HR-V and me, we don't play Minnesota nice. Life is better with my Honda. Take advantage of special offers on the new 2016 Honda HR-V. Visit your local Greater Twin Cities Honda dealers today or learn more at greatertwincitieshondadealers.com. For more information, visit greatertwincitieshondadealers.com.

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What does Maybelline have that Max Factor, Revlon, and L'Oreal don't? Instant on, instant off. An applicator so revolutionary, I can't even begin to describe it. Instant on, instant off. Imagine a perfect application anytime, anywhere. In the car, the park, even in a dark theater. And complete removal is instant. Instant on, instant off. You've never seen or used anything like it. Maybelline has made the impossible possible. Instant on, instant off. Only from Maybelline.

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Constantly striving for perfection, where second best is not an option. When the road to success is never a straight line. You may think we're describing the new 2014 Cadillac CTX Coupe, but actually, we're describing its owners. Test drive the next evolution of Cadillac at your Southern California Cadillac dealer. Cadillac, creating a higher standard.

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You got a CVS card? Yeah, I know, I resisted too. I used to get those eight foot receipts with all the coupons. Who knows what happened to them? I'd like to use one, never found them. But now with my CVS card and CVS.com, I just get one email a week with up to 40% off. Things like hair care, toothpaste, makeup, battery, soap, like the stuff I use every day. I click on the link in the email, click send to my card, and that's it. Once you're done, you can forget all about it. It makes for a nice little surprise at the register. CVS Pharmacy, doing it right, right around the corner.

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My daddy always said, if you want a job done right, you got to do it yourself. And my mama always said, a penny saved is a penny earned. Well, guess what? This weekend, Ace Hardware is having their do-it-yourself-and-save sale. Mama and daddy were right again. It's funny how the older I get, the smarter they were.

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All through June, Rockfish is celebrating our Grab-A-Crab Fest, and that's great news for crab lovers. All month long, catch the freshest variety of heavenly crab dishes, like our new Crab Lovers Convention. A full pound of sweet snow crab legs, buttery split king crab, and jumbo lump crab over wood-grilled shrimp. Add two sides and our amazing garlic sticks, and you've got Grab-A-Crab Fest at Rockfish. And the best part is, it doesn't cost a lot of clams. Hey, can I keep the bib? You can even keep the bib. Now through the end of the month, get an extra 10% off by visiting rockfish.com. Rockfish. Our nets. Your fish.

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Has your kitchen become hard to handle? Your mismatched hardware just doesn't look good. It's not artsy or original, rebellious or chic. It just looks bad. How long has it been? A year? Two? Restoration Plus is the place to find that hard to find item. Because only Restoration Plus carries just about every piece of household hardware ever made. Kitchens, closets, drawers, bathroom, bedroom, any room. We have the hardware you need. Restoration Plus. When push comes to shove. RestorationPlus.com

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What's the difference between a general with four stars and a mom with four kids? These days, not much, except that Mr. General is rarely on the front lines. And when I need to shift into battle mode, my new Hyundai Santa Fe is all the backup I need. It seats seven and includes more standard airbags than Ford Edge or Chevy Equinox. And I know, I checked. Plus, my new Santa Fe has a five-star safety rating, a 10-year powertrain limited warranty, and gets 27 highway miles to the gallon. You know what? Tell the general to call off his troops. I got this one covered.

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Hi, I'm Laura Tompkins. I'm a platform architect at Philips. As the system architect, I explain the architectural runway. I play a unique role in helping teams to efficiently implement stakeholder needs.

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Think about how comfortable you would be with your decision being reported in the media. We never offer, give, ask for, or take any form of bribe or kickback.

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Documentation is an important part of receiving, storing, and administering medication. To receive medication that is to be administered during child care, the parent or guardian must complete and sign the medication authorization form. The medication must be stored per the instructions on the medication's label, and every time a dose of medication is given to a child, it must be recorded in the medication log form.

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Lisa Graham. Nobody wants jibber-jabber. At Symetra Life Insurance Company, we're cutting through it to help you understand what you're buying with no surprises. Symetra. Retirement. Benefits. Life. Hi, Sophia. Kendra here. Just wanted to let you know the K1s are posted and you can get started compiling all that data. All right. Hope you have everything you need. Great. Talk to you soon. Bye. There's a certain school of thought out there that thinks it can judge a book by its cover. Well, we're pretty sure we missed class that day. Because in our world, reputation is earned. Yes, even when you're talking about a dishwasher. And why shouldn't it?

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There's a certain school of thought out there that thinks it can judge a book by its cover. Well, we're pretty sure we missed class that day. Because in our world, reputation is earned. Yes, even when you're talking about a dishwasher. And why shouldn't it?

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Lisa Graham. Nobody wants jibber-jabber. At Symetra Life Insurance Company, we're cutting through it to help you understand what you're buying with no surprises. Symetra. Retirement. Benefits. Life.

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Oh, who's a good little birdie? Sing for Granny, sweetie! Don't even think about it, you naughty kitty! Now, where did I put that buggy whip? Oh, yes! The dungeon! Oh, that was fun! Let's do it again!

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Get in touch with my roots. Hold on, let me get up there. Take two. What do you know? Mom and Em are right, again. Tell you what, Mom and Em are right again. Way to go, Mom and Em. Talk about Mama said. You know, they're never wrong, even when you want them to be. They always get this stuff right. Guess I should've listened to them when I was a teenager, too. They are smarter than I thought they was. They was. In high school, they seemed like morons. Now that I got a baby of my own, they might have sense. Maybe I should've listened to them a little bit in high school. Wouldn't have six kids and a pickup truck and a trailer and working at Sonic. We got a sale on slushies. Make your own flavor. They all taste like bubblegum anyway, but you can mix and match.

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Who knows what happened to them. I'd like to use one. Never found them. They were eaten by my purse. They disappeared in like seconds. Who knows where they went. Thermal paper. Boom. Gone. Instantly. They disappeared like Jimmy Hoffa. They got eaten by bears. Never used one. Never found them. Could be in my purse. Nobody knows. Wish I could have used one. Would have had to find one. Never saw them again. Gone. Like magic. You can't use them when you put your gum in them. Once you use them to wipe your lipstick off, you can't use them at the register. Once you blot your lip gloss, they're no good anymore. Alright, not bad. Can you give me another pass?

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For more information, visit DeLuciaAndDeZomba.com. Yes, my darling? I don't know. Because if, when we are, there's normally that huge clipboard of all the people who work there's night, I'm going to look at that, um, and see, give me this. And I just listened on the news that, um, now sometimes kids are doing, kids are getting birthdays from the police. I see. The people call the police and. Okay, well I'll tell you what, if you go with dad and you find out that lady's name, you can write her a thank you note. Okay. Yeah, she would like that. Okay. All right. Um, maybe. I'll help you. I know what she looks like, um, I don't know her name. Maybe if, if she's okay with it, she could come to my next birthday party. Oh, maybe. She's really nice. Okay. Mommy is still working. Sorry. And I should introduce her, um, to all the other kids who are going to be Zooming. I think. Okay. All right. Can, all right. I need to, um. It's probably not going to be Zooming. Yeah, not right now. We'll see. The closest ones can, um, stand out the gate. Okay. The ones that don't mind, they can stand out of the front gate. Okay. Well, we'll work on this later. Okay. And we can talk to them. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. And then maybe, but that birthday party, if we have. It's a long way away, buddy. If we have 10 people, it might last for an hour, maybe. Yeah, we'll see. Can we talk about this later? Because I really am working right now. 20 is the best, but 20 might take, um, two hours because, because this is what we're going to do. Okay. Hold on. We're all going to stand. Mom, I need to tell you something awesome. Um, it's cool. They're all going to be, there's going to be probably 20 people. Um, and they're going to be standing out of the gate. Um, um, the rest of them, one by one until everybody's have, have came in and played a little, but still socially distance. Nice. Um, then it's their turn to get in line and then another one goes. That sounds like a super plan. And outside of the line, there's going to be cake. Yeah. Oh, good. And, um, little sort of carnival game. Oh, cool. Okay. Monkey, monkey, please. And the police. You want to invite the police? Okay. We can call. Yes. Sergeant Sean. Now. Yes. Sergeant Sean. I know it sounds very important, doesn't it? Yes. I know. Did he get moved up or something? Yes, he did. How? Well, he's good at his job. Even though he likes to severely arrest people from time to time. Has he? Yeah. We'll work on that. Yeah. He has a good heart though. Okay. Now please go watch some mind numbing cartoons so mommy can finish working. Hey, monkey. I love you. I know. Okay. Well, we'll work on that. Hi, what's it like having a kid at home during the pandemic when you are supposed to be working? It's like that. Thank you. When it comes to the exterior of your home, we do it all.

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The world is changing. We have to change too. It will mean directing our efforts so we deliver in a number of areas in an even bigger way. To help build trust. This will require a big effort from you and a big effort from us. Together we can do it.

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Clean water is our most precious resource, yet despite its importance, we know so little about how we use it, how much we use, and how we pay for it.

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Are you embarrassed by the wrinkles on your eyes, chest, neck? Introducing LunaSkin, a breakthrough beauty aid that reduces wrinkles on your eyes, chest and neck while you sleep.

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Naples, Italy. This ripe and teeming city is one of the most densely populated places in the world. A million people work here, play here, and love here. But they live in the shadow of a notorious killer, the volcano Vesuvius. One of the most lethal volcanoes, Vesuvius always lurks in the background, silent, menacing, waiting. For the people of the region, the clock is ticking.

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Lisa Graham. Nobody wants jibber-jabber. At Symetra Life Insurance Company, we're cutting through it to help you understand what you're buying with no surprises. Symetra. Retirement. Benefits. Life. Hi, Sophia. Kendra here. Just wanted to let you know the K1s are posted and you can get started compiling all that data. All right. Hope you have everything you need. Great. Talk to you soon. Bye. There's a certain school of thought out there that thinks it can judge a book by its cover. Well, we're pretty sure we missed class that day. Because in our world, reputation is earned. Yes, even when you're talking about a dishwasher. And why shouldn't it?

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If Republicans maintain control in Washington, we'll lose more jobs, but together, we can stop them.

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What is it that out-of-town political party bosses don't like about Jersey City moving local elections to November? Maybe they just miss the bad old days. Don't let out-of-town political party bosses tell you how to vote.

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Yeah, I had to have a little talk with him. I sat him down and we talked about what to do if a bad man with a gun comes to his classroom. That he should grab his friends and run hide behind something big until the teacher came to tell him it was okay. He's four. You know what else I told him? I told him that mommy and daddy will never support a politician who takes money from the NRA.

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The Honorable Mayor Nenshi is no longer the Honorable Mayor he may have been when he was elected. An Honorable Mayor doesn't act dramatically differently when they think they're off-camera. An Honorable Mayor doesn't engage in Twitter battles with average citizens, or engage in Twitter battles at all.

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We may not be able to rent this place next year. The local government is looking to ban short-term vacation rentals. That means we won't be able to rent this house next year.

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In Congress, Beto has made it a priority to work across the aisle to secure bipartisan support for his legislation. Because Beto knows our country is at its best when we can put party aside to work together, build consensus, and find common ground.